XDCOldPhart

Lammie, I read that! 😡

Turks

I am afraid I will have to go with SOIA here. With a face like yours, you will have to get her legless before she will entertain being pork-sworded by you.

You will need more than £50 squid though, as it will not just be enough to make her pissed, you will have to do other things that will make her forget your mug and think what a nice fellow you are.

This is the plan.

Find out what her favourite food is and find a suitable restaurant that has a reputation for doing it well. Ensure it has a cosy, romantic atmosphere, see if they will do candles. It’s a bonus if they have a violin player or such who will pass by your table and play something haunting.

Book such table.

Pick her up on the evening in question, at least an hour and a half before the table is booked. Bring her a bunch of tasteful flowers or a small box of chocolates from a proper Maison de Chocolat, not your Quality Street shit. Compliment her, say she looks gorgeous, try to mean it as well.

Take her to a trendy, classy bar and have an aperitif. This is the start of getting her goofed enough to contemplate being humped by you, it must be done discreetly or she will cotton onto you sharpish and your chances will be the same as me scoring with Imogen Poots, zero and fuck-all.

Enquire about her day and listen attentively, making relevant empathetic sounds where appropriate. Maintain eye contact, do not start leering at her norks or such, it is not the right time. Compliment her again.

Head for the restaurant with enough time to be able to have another drink at the bar (getting her sloshed on the QT remember). Again listen to her prattle attentively (Gawd wimmin can talk).

Once seated at the table, ask her if she would like another aperitif before you order the wine. Speaking of wine, whether she would prefer red or white, go for the higher ABV% wines like a Zinfandel, or anything Californian, particularly from the Napa valley.

Compliment her again, something like “the candles really accentuate your well structured cheekbones (do not choke or vomit when you say this). Keep the easy chit-chat going, let her do the talking. Keep your voice low and murmur your responses. Keep looking at her eyes, the time is not ripe for trying to see how much nipple is showing. Patience.

When ordering the food, try to help her in a non-patronising way. Your job here is to appear interested in her choices while at the same time trying to prevent her from choosing certain things. If she wants fish, ensure she goes for white fish, no prawns or such. Trust me, if she eats prawns, you will not like to eat her muffin later on. Also try make sure she does not eat anything too heavy, the reason is twofold. Heavy food negates the effect of the alcohol and will also make her sleepy, thus she will be more inclined for sleep than a shag later on.

When time comes for the pudding, try slipping in a sticky such as a Chatuax d Yquem. Then get in an Irish or Tai Maria coffee, bribe the waiter to make hers a double. By this time, the combination of flattery, attention and booze should have her beginning to contemplate a gallop with you, but the work is a long way from finished. For advice on the coup de main, I shall however require remuneration, so cough up of you will not be told how to get her kit off, give her 5 orgasms and visit all her orifices.

Thatsh an absholute bluddy lie, I tellsh you.

I am a teetotler myshelf

Ahhh, I thought that was £4800 per month.

You should take home about 1200 squids

@Lensman wrote:

Boy, did we need our resident Terminator last night…..those Ruskii boys were killing us. A bit bloody good they were….

Wipers – not wishing to screw his win/loss ratio – defected to their team 🙂

Wipers’s actions in changed sides were noted, hence my comment about the Irish & Italian flags having the same colours and called him Micketti 😈

As if a poofballer has ever had the balls to smack another in the chops, they are too busy tripping over blades of grass. Instead of boots they should be wearing ballet shoes

You going to pave your lawn over now?

Poofball, ppftttt

Plebesport, opiate of the masses etc etc