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Here’s the shortened version of that article which is a bit easier to read.
@=XDC=JuDgE-MenTaL wrote:
Sunday September 23, 2007
The ObserverTuesday, 10pm, home dressing room, Stamford Bridge. Abramovich tells Essien to stop being shit. He did it behind Maureens back! Let’s all act like ‘kin kids eh?
Tuesday, 7:11pm, the home dressing room. John Terry proper spits his dummy out when he finds out that Maureen has been publicly asking people why he’s so shit. He says it’s not fair and he’s not playing anymore. Thankfully it’s sorted out by another player who tells him that everyone loves him and he shouldn’t listen to Maureen who is always picking on him.
Unfortunately, Terry gives away a goal on account of him actually being shit and Maureen tells him at half time. Paddington bear stares all round, though witnesses do say that Terry’s bottom lip was going.
John Terry has decided he’s “not friends” anymore with Maureen.
“The relationship broke down because rather than acting like adults we all decided to behave like schoolgirls and wet our knickers.’ – Jose Mourinho, 21 September 2007.
Let’s go back to the summer of 2005.
Chelsea win fuck all for donkeys years and then suddenly win the title twice. Someone points out that this is all about some russian spending over 200 million quid on the team. Despite being completey effing obvious, this upsets people.
Loads of crap about how no-one likes Maureen. Big news this. I mean, it’s not as if he’s an arrogant little squirt who most people wouldn’t piss on if he was on fire.
Abramovich is sick of Maureen not buying his football player mates with his money so tells him he can’t have any more spending money.
Shevchenko, the most prolific goalscorer in Italy for over 5 years is suddenly crap overnight. This is either down to him a) completely losing the ability to play football or b) having some fat bloke who says “sewpergows†(instead of supergoals) aimlessly lump the ball up to him, instead of Pirlo and Kaka knocking it into his feet so he can score. Hmmmm, tough one.
Maureen asks if he can have some spending money, Abramovich sez no.
Chelsea fans at the games still love Maureen, the ones that manage to stay awake that is. They beat Wigan 4-0. Chelsea domintate the game totally, So much so that half the Wigan team are in their jim jams by the 60th minute.
Abramovich stops going to the games. It’s not that he’s in a strop or anything. It’s just that he painted his living room in Chelsea blue and got confused watching the paint dry. “At last Shevchenko is coming good†he is heard to say whilst staring at his living room wall.
Maureen and Abramovich kiss and make up, but secretly Abramovich is bitter about Maureen refusing to buy the Dulux dog. “We might have beaten Dulux United 3-0 at the end of last season in my back bedroom†says Abramovich “but that dog is just the cover we need at left back for when Ass Cole gets injuredâ€ÂÂÂ.
Avram Grant is a ‘Mossad Spy’. Not a great qualification for a football coach but at least no religious nutters are like to hijack the team on the way to the Olympics and shoot ’em all. At least not any religious nutters who’ve seen that pony Spielberg film anyway.
Grant is overheard in his office asking fatso Lampard ‘You look sad, why?’ ‘How do you feel in this position?’ ‘Does it hurt when I do this?’
Shevchenko paid 121 grand a week to play golf. What a waste of money! Thank god it’s all coming out of Abramovich’s pocket! How much is a Chelsea season ticket, by the way?
Things weren’t going well, but at least Maureen got a free trip to Geneva.
Abramovich tells Maureen that he can’t play anymore and has to go. Tragically, Maureen only gets 10 million quid. That’s a right fucking shame that is.
Maurren goes back to the ground to get his stuff. Drogba and fatso cry like pathetic little girls.
Senior players describe Grant’s appointment as ‘a disgrace’. Some at Cobham call him ‘an idiot’ and describe his coaching techniques as ’25 years behind the times’. Abramovich pushes the Israeli around ‘without a hint of respect’. Obviously, some players have never seen that pony Spielberg film.
Abramovich’s mate is made coach. Wow, great big conspiracy here or what?
Essien didn’t get picked on Tuesday, must still be shit then.
Well he might be a bit of a twat but reading that story it strikes me that the arrogant, self important judge is a far bigger one.
I downloaded the demo. The fact that I can just quote from my post on CoH and it applies all over again pretty much sums it up.
@sickofitall wrote:
Here’s my experience of these RTS games.
Step 1 – the tutorial
“If you draw a box round your 2 units you can control them both at once! Isn’t that AMAZING! Try it now, don’t worry if it takes you a few tries – I’ll wait for you to get it.”
Wow cheers, I’m really hoping you will because I’m not convinced I can manage that in one go. I might have to order me some kind of helper chimp to get me through this bit. Still, cross your fingers for me would you. It’s a long shot, but I might just pull it off…
“Well done! Now, with your units selected you can right click on those bad men over there and (this is the good bit) your men will go over there and automatically fight them! That’s right! And you can watch! Don’t worry about having to shoot or help out, the computer does that bit for you.”
Well that’s it. Drawing the box round my units had me in palpitations as it is but there’s only so much I can take. Even that dream I had last night where Salma Hayek and Kate Beckinsale were going at the old general like a couple of pigs at a tatty whilst being whipped on their bare arses by that bird with the big norks who does the weather couldn’t have prepared me for the hair raising exhilaration that is the white knuckle ride known as “Company of Heroes”. I’m going to have to turn you off now, this game is far too challenging for me.
“Don’t worry if you’re having problems right clicking on the bad men, just keep trying. You’ll get it eventually.”
No really, don’t. I don’t think I could face doing that. What if they actually do as you say and start fighting? That would be too much for my tiny mind to take, surely?
“Don’t worry if you’re still having problems right clicking on the bad men, just keep trying. You’ll get it eventually.”
No, no. I’m just not up to this. I prefer a quiet life thank you. I think I’ll have to do something a bit less exciting like say, lion taming. Or something slightly less cerebrally challenging like reproducing nuclear fusion in a cardboard box. You know, something more within the limits of my own mind.
Either that, or I’ll just have a quick wank.
“Don’t worry if you’re having problems right clicking on the bad…”
ARE YOU SURE YOU WISH TO QUIT? (Y/N)
Y
*edit* It’s also worth pointing out that thanks to heartless bastards like Doc some OAP in Scunthorpe woke up last week to find her garden wall had been nicked. She’ll probably have to pay for it to be replaced and be so skint she dies of hypothermia this Christmas. Hope you can live with yourself, Doc.
Genuine piece of the Berlin wall! I don’t know lad, give your head a shake!
Is this the one with the zombies in the shopping centre? If it is then I was bored of it before I’d finished the demo.
Didn’t think it was trying to be tense though, seemed more like a cartoon.
@=XDC=OldPhart wrote:
As if a poofballer has ever had the balls to smack another in the chops, they are too busy tripping over blades of grass. Instead of boots they should be wearing ballet shoes
This might be true but unfortunately rugby loses out to football because no rugby player has ever been rock n roll enough to strike a blow for animal rights by getting a chimp to drink beer
Best Rugby clip ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCENYott5Tg&mode=related&search=
Just read that a PES8 demo is up on Live now for anyone who’s interested. At least you can compare it to FIFA now before they’re both out.
Unless you don’t follow football, so to speak.
@tess wrote:
Dear God, it’s only a football game, get a grip 😀
Agreed. But the English Premiership is exciting these days you have to admit. I mean, who will win it this year then? The French? The Russians? The Spaniards? The Americans? Or will it just be another pointless procession based upon how rich everyone is with the odd fit up to make sure Trevor Brookings lot don’t get relegated.
Well joking aside that between Vanessa and that FHM bird I’d have to say that Vannessa wins for me.
But I’m not elitist or anything or stuck up about it. For you 2 who know these women feel free to let them know I’m willing to stretch to a threesome with them both and give the pair of them lashings of hot fish yoghurt.
Cos I’m really a decent bloke and all that shite.
Well then Phart, that’s a bit of a turn up, but you see I’m afraid I cannot find any meaningful documentary evidence of you bagsying this bird prior to 30th May when I did exactly that on this very thread. Now since you clearly did not bagsy the jailbait on the V-Vendetta thread on this forum you must have done it on the old forum – but I will need a link to concede tanking rights here I’m afraid.
In the absence of any corroborative evidence to back up your claims I’m afraid that you will have to desist from thinking about her when peeling the eel in future. Thank you.
What’s that? Maureens gone has she? Trouble at AFC Sibneft is it?
I don’t generally follow russian football but here’s hoping they get it sorted out. Good luck to you all.
