Funny Fucker

I have a friend who is a bit of a “funny fucker”… i’m not implying he has sex in a strange way… he’s just fucking funny. Anyway… I was looking through his blog, and came accross this… thought I would share it with you.

Btw… I don’t think Jesus is a cunt!

I discovered these ‘inspirational’ sports-statues on a christian shopping website (http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html). They are supposed to depict the Son of God engaged in wholesome activities with kids. According to the ‘Catholic Shopper’

‘These statues portray Jesus actively participating with boys and girls in a variety of sports. A wonderful way to reinforce Jesus “as friend” in everyday activities’

However, as you can see, Jesus is being a right cunt in all of these statues. If he’s a friend, as he claims to be, then it’s the mate that pretends to like you, but then goes on to steal your marbles and refuse to return your superman comic.

These two kids were probably playing away quite happily until Jesus came along to ruin the fun. ‘I want to bat’ says the selfish messiah. ‘But its my turn’, replies the ginger kid in the blue cap. ‘Fine’ says Jesus, ‘we’ll both do it’ and he grabs onto the bat, ignoring the protests of the children. Needless to say, neither of them are able to return the ball properly and the kid in the blue cap gets hit in the face. Jesus laughs and heads back to his yard to burn ants with a magnifying glass

Later on, the two kids are playing basketball. ‘I want to play’ screams Jesus, throwing a primadonna tantrum. The kids remember him from earlier and tell him to ‘fuck off’. Undeterred, Jesus steps in and takes the basketball, he then holds it above the children’s heads and giggles inanely. ‘Hahaha, I’m taller than you, and my daddy is more important’, he says, and lobs the basketball into a nearby stream.

God threatens the children with eternal damnation unless they let his son play with them. Reluctantly the kids agree and let him play soccer. As soon as Jesus gets the ball he categorically refuses to pass and shoulder barges the other two kids when they come near. ‘Stop hogging it’, they shout, but their protests are in vain. When they eventually get the ball off Jesus, he lunges into a vicious two-footed tackle, spits on his victim and kicks the football into a thorn bush.

Jesus teams up with the tallest kid against the little guy for a game of American football. ‘Its not fair’ screams the kid in the pink top. ‘Shut up you nobhead’, shouts Jesus and he and his teammate run in touchdown after touchdown. Eventually, when this becomes boring, they rub the little guy’s face in the dirt and head off to the house of god to torture the cat.

Not content with ruining the two boy’s playtime, Jesus decides to show he is top dog by touching up their sisters during a ballet lesson. To further emphasise this point, he steals the girl’s ‘My Little Pony’ dolls and melts them on his dad’s bonfire.

‘What a nice peachy bottom that child has’, thought Jesus, and with that first sexual awakening, he realised he had reached puberty.

*My soul is not damned because of this post. I watch ‘Songs of Praise’ every Sunday, that fact alone absolves my soul from eternal damnation and ensures that theres a place for me in the kingdom of heaven. I have no theological basis for this claim, but since when has that ever been a problem?.*

More of his ramblings can be found here 🙂

http://humphrey-clarke.livejournal.com/