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@sickofitall wrote:
Get her pissed and try it on. Absolutely 100% the best thing you can do.
Don’t bother with all the touchy feely sensitive buying presents shit. If this bird wants you to nail her then you don’t need to buy her a thing, and if she doesn’t spending 50 quid on some crap for her won’t change her mind. Fact.
I’m sorry SOIA, but I think I’ll have to step in here and stop Turks from trying any such thing. Women are to be treated with respect and not viewed as simple sex objects, like some of the tarts I’ve humped.
If you seriously want to impress this girl, then be the thing that all women love; a winner. A few hundred thousand years ago that was easy, a big bloke like you could go and kill a mamoth, or a sabre tooth tiger and all the women of the tribe would be well impressed. These days it’s much harder, but not impossible to impress women with your martial prowess, killer instinct and alpha male status. That’s right, I’m talking about starting a pub fight.
Obviously pick on somebody smaller, preferably who doesn’t have any mates and doesn’t seem to be violent and you’ll be well in. Merely ask this individual if he spilled your pint, was staring at your lass or wants a punch in the face and regardless of his response deck him.
Job done.
Fair point Neon. In light of your comments I’ve amended my advice as follows:
@sickofitall wrote:
Get her pissed and (respectfully) try it on. Absolutely 100% the best thing you can do.
Don’t bother with all the touchy feely sensitive buying presents shit. If this bird wants you to nail her then you don’t need to buy her a thing, and if she doesn’t spending 50 quid on some crap for her won’t change her mind. Fact.
@sickofitall wrote:
Fair point Neon. In light of your comments I’ve amended my advice as follows:
@sickofitall wrote:
Get her pissed and (respectfully) try it on. Absolutely 100% the best thing you can do.
Don’t bother with all the touchy feely sensitive buying presents shit. If this bird wants you to nail her then you don’t need to buy her a thing, and if she doesn’t spending 50 quid on some crap for her won’t change her mind. Fact.
That’s better SOIA. You have to treat bits of skirt with respect.
@=XDC=iNSANE wrote:
Only if your a fadge!
Say’s the single man who spends most of his time peelin the eel*
The statement of peelin the eel is correct at the time of going to press and express premission to divulge such activites in accordance with publishing guidlelines paragraph G, subsection 3c of Lord Von Phartbury’s covannence of ‘The Art of Buggery’ copyright. Your Statutory rights are not affected.
@xdc the doc wrote:
Lol Neon top idea! 😀
As for giving a girl a hula hoop whilst pretending you have got her a nice gift…. 4 aces is either single and doomed to be so for ever more or has a VERY understanding woman.Lol Doc. It’s not so much that she’s understanding. It’s more that ALL my ladies like the fried potato products 😉
@=XDC=NeonSamurai wrote:
I’m sorry SOIA, but I think I’ll have to step in here and stop Turks from trying any such thing. Women are to be treated with respect and not viewed as simple sex objects, like some of the tarts I’ve humped.
If you seriously want to impress this girl, then be the thing that all women love; a winner. A few hundred thousand years ago that was easy, a big bloke like you could go and kill a mamoth, or a sabre tooth tiger and all the women of the tribe would be well impressed. These days it’s much harder, but not impossible to impress women with your martial prowess, killer instinct and alpha male status. That’s right, I’m talking about starting a pub fight.
Obviously pick on somebody smaller, preferably who doesn’t have any mates and doesn’t seem to be violent and you’ll be well in. Merely ask this individual if he spilled your pint, was staring at your lass or wants a punch in the face and regardless of his response deck him.
Job done.
Not sure turks will be up for this suggestion..tops though it is. You clearly forgotten the ‘damsel in distress’ debacle, that got him a royal kicking without so much as the slightest sniff of fanny or even a mild tit grope for his galant efforts.
Lammie, I read that! 😡
Turks
I am afraid I will have to go with SOIA here. With a face like yours, you will have to get her legless before she will entertain being pork-sworded by you.
You will need more than £50 squid though, as it will not just be enough to make her pissed, you will have to do other things that will make her forget your mug and think what a nice fellow you are.
This is the plan.
Find out what her favourite food is and find a suitable restaurant that has a reputation for doing it well. Ensure it has a cosy, romantic atmosphere, see if they will do candles. It’s a bonus if they have a violin player or such who will pass by your table and play something haunting.
Book such table.
Pick her up on the evening in question, at least an hour and a half before the table is booked. Bring her a bunch of tasteful flowers or a small box of chocolates from a proper Maison de Chocolat, not your Quality Street shit. Compliment her, say she looks gorgeous, try to mean it as well.
Take her to a trendy, classy bar and have an aperitif. This is the start of getting her goofed enough to contemplate being humped by you, it must be done discreetly or she will cotton onto you sharpish and your chances will be the same as me scoring with Imogen Poots, zero and fuck-all.
Enquire about her day and listen attentively, making relevant empathetic sounds where appropriate. Maintain eye contact, do not start leering at her norks or such, it is not the right time. Compliment her again.
Head for the restaurant with enough time to be able to have another drink at the bar (getting her sloshed on the QT remember). Again listen to her prattle attentively (Gawd wimmin can talk).
Once seated at the table, ask her if she would like another aperitif before you order the wine. Speaking of wine, whether she would prefer red or white, go for the higher ABV% wines like a Zinfandel, or anything Californian, particularly from the Napa valley.
Compliment her again, something like “the candles really accentuate your well structured cheekbones (do not choke or vomit when you say this). Keep the easy chit-chat going, let her do the talking. Keep your voice low and murmur your responses. Keep looking at her eyes, the time is not ripe for trying to see how much nipple is showing. Patience.
When ordering the food, try to help her in a non-patronising way. Your job here is to appear interested in her choices while at the same time trying to prevent her from choosing certain things. If she wants fish, ensure she goes for white fish, no prawns or such. Trust me, if she eats prawns, you will not like to eat her muffin later on. Also try make sure she does not eat anything too heavy, the reason is twofold. Heavy food negates the effect of the alcohol and will also make her sleepy, thus she will be more inclined for sleep than a shag later on.
When time comes for the pudding, try slipping in a sticky such as a Chatuax d Yquem. Then get in an Irish or Tai Maria coffee, bribe the waiter to make hers a double. By this time, the combination of flattery, attention and booze should have her beginning to contemplate a gallop with you, but the work is a long way from finished. For advice on the coup de main, I shall however require remuneration, so cough up of you will not be told how to get her kit off, give her 5 orgasms and visit all her orifices.
@=XDC=OldPhart wrote:
Lammie, I read that! 😡
Turks
I am afraid I will have to go with SOIA here. With a face like yours, you will have to get her legless before she will entertain being pork-sworded by you.
You will need more than £50 squid though, as it will not just be enough to make her pissed, you will have to do other things that will make her forget your mug and think what a nice fellow you are.
This is the plan.
Find out what her favourite food is and find a suitable restaurant that has a reputation for doing it well. Ensure it has a cosy, romantic atmosphere, see if they will do candles. It’s a bonus if they have a violin player or such who will pass by your table and play something haunting.
Book such table.
Pick her up on the evening in question, at least an hour and a half before the table is booked. Bring her a bunch of tasteful flowers or a small box of chocolates from a proper Maison de Chocolat, not your Quality Street shit. Compliment her, say she looks gorgeous, try to mean it as well.
Take her to a trendy, classy bar and have an aperitif. This is the start of getting her goofed enough to contemplate being humped by you, it must be done discreetly or she will cotton onto you sharpish and your chances will be the same as me scoring with Imogen Poots, zero and fuck-all.
Enquire about her day and listen attentively, making relevant empathetic sounds where appropriate. Maintain eye contact, do not start leering at her norks or such, it is not the right time. Compliment her again.
Head for the restaurant with enough time to be able to have another drink at the bar (getting her sloshed on the QT remember). Again listen to her prattle attentively (Gawd wimmin can talk).
Once seated at the table, ask her if she would like another aperitif before you order the wine. Speaking of wine, whether she would prefer red or white, go for the higher ABV% wines like a Zinfandel, or anything Californian, particularly from the Napa valley.
Compliment her again, something like “the candles really accentuate your well structured cheekbones (do not choke or vomit when you say this). Keep the easy chit-chat going, let her do the talking. Keep your voice low and murmur your responses. Keep looking at her eyes, the time is not ripe for trying to see how much nipple is showing. Patience.
When ordering the food, try to help her in a non-patronising way. Your job here is to appear interested in her choices while at the same time trying to prevent her from choosing certain things. If she wants fish, ensure she goes for white fish, no prawns or such. Trust me, if she eats prawns, you will not like to eat her muffin later on. Also try make sure she does not eat anything too heavy, the reason is twofold. Heavy food negates the effect of the alcohol and will also make her sleepy, thus she will be more inclined for sleep than a shag later on.
When time comes for the pudding, try slipping in a sticky such as a Chatuax d Yquem. Then get in an Irish or Tai Maria coffee, bribe the waiter to make hers a double. By this time, the combination of flattery, attention and booze should have her beginning to contemplate a gallop with you, but the work is a long way from finished. For advice on the coup de main, I shall however require remuneration, so cough up of you will not be told how to get her kit off, give her 5 orgasms and visit all her orifices.
ROFL! and now back to reality……
Pharts REAl night out.
Picks up the cheap tart from accounts an hour late as he has been playing 2142 and lost track of time.
Stares at her norks and grunts.
Takes her to the local restaurant… unfortunately lets slip that this is where he takes all his birds…. violinist refuses to come near his table as he knows from experience that he wont get any tips from the tight fisted South African.
Starts drinking the bottle of wine with gusto….. realises he has almost finished it before she has had her second glass.
Stares at her norks.
Continues to drink heavily as he whittles on about his huge pay check… his upcoming bonus and the size of his rifle 🙄
Stares at her norks.
Manages to persuade her to come back to his place with his tales of indescribable wealth and possible offers of a free TV (well thats how he seduced cowboy anyway.)
Collapses in a heap and orgasms once… by himself.
Girl takes free TV and leaves.
The End.
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