Gift idea

@=XDC=OldPhart wrote:

Lammie, I read that! 😡

Turks

I am afraid I will have to go with SOIA here. With a face like yours, you will have to get her legless before she will entertain being pork-sworded by you.

You will need more than £50 squid though, as it will not just be enough to make her pissed, you will have to do other things that will make her forget your mug and think what a nice fellow you are.

This is the plan.

Find out what her favourite food is and find a suitable restaurant that has a reputation for doing it well. Ensure it has a cosy, romantic atmosphere, see if they will do candles. It’s a bonus if they have a violin player or such who will pass by your table and play something haunting.

Book such table.

Pick her up on the evening in question, at least an hour and a half before the table is booked. Bring her a bunch of tasteful flowers or a small box of chocolates from a proper Maison de Chocolat, not your Quality Street shit. Compliment her, say she looks gorgeous, try to mean it as well.

Take her to a trendy, classy bar and have an aperitif. This is the start of getting her goofed enough to contemplate being humped by you, it must be done discreetly or she will cotton onto you sharpish and your chances will be the same as me scoring with Imogen Poots, zero and fuck-all.

Enquire about her day and listen attentively, making relevant empathetic sounds where appropriate. Maintain eye contact, do not start leering at her norks or such, it is not the right time. Compliment her again.

Head for the restaurant with enough time to be able to have another drink at the bar (getting her sloshed on the QT remember). Again listen to her prattle attentively (Gawd wimmin can talk).

Once seated at the table, ask her if she would like another aperitif before you order the wine. Speaking of wine, whether she would prefer red or white, go for the higher ABV% wines like a Zinfandel, or anything Californian, particularly from the Napa valley.

Compliment her again, something like “the candles really accentuate your well structured cheekbones (do not choke or vomit when you say this). Keep the easy chit-chat going, let her do the talking. Keep your voice low and murmur your responses. Keep looking at her eyes, the time is not ripe for trying to see how much nipple is showing. Patience.

When ordering the food, try to help her in a non-patronising way. Your job here is to appear interested in her choices while at the same time trying to prevent her from choosing certain things. If she wants fish, ensure she goes for white fish, no prawns or such. Trust me, if she eats prawns, you will not like to eat her muffin later on. Also try make sure she does not eat anything too heavy, the reason is twofold. Heavy food negates the effect of the alcohol and will also make her sleepy, thus she will be more inclined for sleep than a shag later on.

When time comes for the pudding, try slipping in a sticky such as a Chatuax d Yquem. Then get in an Irish or Tai Maria coffee, bribe the waiter to make hers a double. By this time, the combination of flattery, attention and booze should have her beginning to contemplate a gallop with you, but the work is a long way from finished. For advice on the coup de main, I shall however require remuneration, so cough up of you will not be told how to get her kit off, give her 5 orgasms and visit all her orifices.

This is sound advice. Sound advice if, and only if your name happens to be Colonel Harold J Medley-Smythe, the year is 1899 and you are fresh back from killing the fuzzy wuzzies in darkest Africa.

Unfortunately, most people these days are stuck in the year 2007 and so whilst the principles remain the same this whole concept needs modernising.

So here is the short, updated version.

Make sure you are in a pub where the bird is. Go up to her and talk shite for 10 minutes and then start plying her with puke inducing tart fuel and bitch pop to get her well oiled. Be sure to point out on your way back from the bar to anyone who sees that the blue Wkd/Smirnoff you are carrying is not for you and that you aren’t good with colours. Best to get your own proper man’s pint at the same time then.

If you are pressed for time get her a jug of Cheeky Vimto and challenge her to drink it. This will go down faster than a pederast in a boys school and she’ll be up for the cup before you can get to the bogs and get your quid coin into the johnny machine.

At chucking out time you gotta judge whether the bird needs food. Only experience can tell you this. If she’s totally pissed a kebab might keep her conscous long enough for her to willingly put out before she collapses. If she’s not drunk enough then she is going to actually taste the dead cat she is eating, she’ll puke everywhere and go out of slug mode before you can get her home. Tough call on this one as it can be pretty hard to tell – different people acting in different ways when they are lathered. Good luck here, it’s a critical time and you can fuck up a whole nights work.

Bundle her into a taxi and, god forbid, ask her about Big effing Brother!!! That’s right!!! Sounds like utter madness but you gotta keep her talking so she doesn’t nod off. You’ll also seem dead sensitive and interesting like and it’ll get her going even more.

Then get her indoors and bang her like a shithouse door in a hurricane.

In the morning do her again (top tip this one – saves the awkwardness) and then decide whether she’s a keeper and stick to your first hunch on this one, it’s usually right.

Finally, and to keep Neon happy. Do all this with respect of course. Except for the shagging bit – she’ll think you’re a right fanny if you don’t wang her about in all the positions.

Here you go Turks, now don’t go ruining the UK ecconomy with it…

Bank of Chris Hall a Natwest sister company eh?

@TurksMeister wrote:

@=XDC=sPUNKer wrote:

Bank of Chris Hall a Natwest sister company eh?

Fuck Neon… get the fucking watermark sorted now!!

Jesus… I dont want to give her some half arsed effort 😉

The Bank of Chris Hall is a bit like Cahoot, or Egg or Jizz, or one of those other ‘online’ banks that are actually different aliases for the big banks. In this case The Bank of Chris Hall is owned by Nat West.

However, unlike other banks TBoCH keeps all of its money under the mattress of Chris Hall at:

17 High Street
Sedgecombe
Gloucester
GL3 8NQ