The Darkness

Yeah, Iv flicked through one or two of the comics, before seeing the game, it dosnt look too bad tbh, graphically, looks smart

wldnt be suprised mate 🙂

Prepare to be surprised then Insane!

**Warning, minor “plot” spoilers follow (plot appears in quotes because if this is a sorry excuse for a plot then you can paint me black and call me Nelson Mandela)**

Now computer games can take you to different places. Yeah, in God Of War you were a mental Spartan who tore people heads off and shat down their necks (GoW and Gow 2 – now they were good games), in Pro Evo you can be good at football (unless the computer decides it’s gonna pull off it’s pitch bending cheats) and in Oblivion you can be some plasticine faced pillock surrounded by birds who look like blokes and the most boring game world ever conceived.

But you know, who decided that a monger goth with a speech impediment would be a cool lead character? Were they intentionally taking the piss? “What we need is an anti-hero, you know, something different” / “I know, remember The Crow, everyone liked that lets copy that but as a bit of a twist lets make our guy a bit of a cretin” / “Yeah, brilliant idea!”. I mean, Eh?

So anyway you start off in a car spazzing around (Ever seen Dead Mans Shoes? Well that paras brother – you’re basically him but with a girls haircut) and before you know it you’ve got to kill some bloke, and all of a sudden Mike Patton out of Faith No More starts talking to you. Now once again I have to say that whatever lifestyle you choose is up to you, but Mike Patton is, as Neon pointed out is the PC way of saying it, a massive gheyer. So if you’re ever in a situation whereby Mike Patton is whispering sweet nothings in your ear it probably means that you’ve wandered into the wrong bar.

Anyhow, your boss doubles crosses you and tries to blow you up. Not in a Mike Patton kind of way though, in an explosive sense. So what do you do when this happens to you. Well you’d do what any like minded bloke would do without a second thought or concern – you grow two huge bell ends with sharp teeth out of your shoulders and eat people with them. That’s right. You don’t say “Whoa shit, what the fuck was that!!!” or anything because growing giant cockends out of your upper body is apparently pretty normal.

Bizarrely you then go and see your bird because it’s your birthday! Honestly! What a day! Got sent on a hit, boss tried to kill me, he’s even got all his goons after me and to top it all off I’ve now turned into some kind of dong monster. But hey, at least it’s my birthday, think I’ll go see the missus! What!!???

Even worse is when you get there your bird just wants to sit and watch telly. That’s right, your characters 21st birthday and the frigid bitch isn’t putting out at all. Not evena lousy bj. Ah well, this bit is realistic at least.

Which brings us onto the gangsters who you face rape with your giant slagbats. “you’re home early” the wife says “hard day doing gangsta sheet, babe”. “Yeah, I clocked off early, bad day. Nearly got caught by a giant nob creature. Bugger this I though, I’ll have an early night”. That’s what you would do. What you wouldn’t do when attacked by a man with an angry giant detachable penis is run around in circles until you get your face bitten off. Unless of course it’s just killed your mate and then inexplicably got completely stuck on his body, allowing you to run up to it’s owner and pop a cap in his ass as he desperately tries to free his appendage from the f**cking scenery.

The game ends after a few days when after being a gullible twonk for buying the game some other gullible twonk buys your copy off ebay. Which if you want to be philosophical might say something about the circle of life, but probably just means that there are cunts even more stupid than me left in the world.

Yeah if Turok dosnt reem as much as Shadow of oblivion,

I don’t know Neon, maybe we’re just getting old and don’t know what’s cool anymore. I mean, I always thought Duke Nukem was dead cool but apparently he doesn’t impress the birds at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm3lPRnEISA&mode=related&search=
*NSFW*

Yeah, I can’t check that link just now because I’m at work but if you’ve not found it yet look on youtube for Jack Nicholson ringing for a pizza, that one was brilliant. Lots of good Arnie ones too.

Jebus christ! I’m crying here…

😆 😆 😆 😆 😆