Twilight

When you’re a 36 year old man like me nothing could be better than watching a film about some bloody teenagers who don’t have jobs and think that everything is such a bloody drama. Couple that with the fact that one of these teenagers is a bloody vampire and you’ve got a whole lot of angst and brooding stares. Sure, it’s difficult being a vampire and having to hide your true nature. Or is it really?

Go and live in bloody Scandinavia where they tolerate everything and you’ll be fine. It’s not like they’d persecute you ‘cos they’ve got laws about that over there and you could sue for discrimination, and sooner or later they’ll make it mandatory to have a couple of vampires on the board of every company. But I digress.

Twilight is about a 17 year old girl who falls in love with a vampire. How is that possible? Well for some reason this girl is attracted to this tall, dark, brooding loner, who plays by his own rules and calls no man sir. Pfft! Like women find that attractive. Anyway, turns out he’s a vampire. She doesn’t dump him though, oh no, she starts having a dangerous and illicit romance with him. Basically this girl has really low standards. I imagine if you’ll date a man who’s killed and drunk other people’s blood then really you’re not going to be able to dump someone for being ‘boring’ or ‘unreliable’, without looking like a wacko. Oh so boring is bad, but homicidal killer is fine? Admittedly the vampire in this is ‘on the wagon’ and tries really hard not to kill people.

“But falling in love with a vampire would be both dangerous and romantic” you say. WRONG. It’d be like going on a date with a Staffordshire Cow. You’d be constantly thinking “mmmm… I’d like to pan fry you with a little butter and a touch of garlic and serve with a side order of chips”. That’s not normal. Also where could you take a cow on a date? You wouldn’t get served in a pub and it’d shit everywhere. It’s a bad idea.

And also why date a 17 year old girl if you can’t do the whole ‘how’s your father’ with her? Dating a 17 year old based purely on her brains and personality would be like watching a constant loop of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ or ‘Gossip Girl’ whilst drinking espresso. There’s only so many times you can watch teenage angst before your brain kicks into ‘fight or flight’ mode and starts hinting that ‘fight’ is the best option.

Erm… So really what I’m trying to say here is that against my better judgment I did actually quite enjoy this film.