sickofitall

@XDC_Wolf wrote:

I have a friend who has just bought a house in Keighly, although I told her not too!

Well in that case it’s great and don’t take any notice of anything I’ve written. I can’t think of a nicer place to live and so on.

Anyway, all this MW2 malarkey is turning out to be a good thing in my book. Did like the single player part of MW but wasn’t impressed at how they were overpricing this one so it just means I can leave it until it comes down in price.

There’s quite a few other games coming out anyway.

You know, an awful lot has been philosophised and written about the folly of man throughout history and his propensity to wanton violence and destruction. But it’s an inescapable fact that when you walk around Keighley it’s absolutely impossible to form a coherent argument that guns are a bad idea.

Or, in a nutshell – what a shithole.

Be that as it may, hiding behind this fact to shaft PC owner on a shooting game is a right fucking cheek if you ask me. What they didn’t consider though is that the CoD multiplayer side has always been a right twatting abortion of a game so effectively stopping PC owners playing it online is actually saving them an awful lot of wasted time.

So we still win. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Pissed off about FIFA 10 – got mine pre-ordered and went into Morrsions today (to get some booze, booze is ace) and it’s £24.99 on the 360.

I’m as sick as a parrot, Bob.

So, if you’re thinking about buying this and have’t already ordered it get down the your local Morrisons and save yourselves 10-15 quid.

Yeah, had one for years. I just refuse on principle to pay for an internet connection and then pay a monthly fee to use xbox live – so I never use it for online gaming.

Gonna get FIFA 10 definitely, and probably Brutal Legend unless it gets a kicking in the write ups.

Tomb Raider

Lin said they would “re-imagine” the busty explorer’s origins, and that the new movie would be more “realistic” than previous instalments. So we’re gonna get an hour of Lara Croft talking about what’s happening on fucking Eastenders before she jumps on her high powered bike, and weaves expertly through heavy traffic to get home just in time to watch Eastenders.

Judge Dredd

The 1995 Sylvester Stallone version of Judge Dredd was a godawful mess of a movie, opting for comedy and a helmet-free Dredd over the dark and brooding nature of the source material. The new version will be just as bad of course. If you think that for one second a film about a pillock in a crap helmet and a blue spandex catsuit who can’t even fucking swear properly is going to be any good you need to give yourself a good shake.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leaving aside the obvious shortcomings here (ie Ninja Terminator, Ninja Champion, Zombie vs Ninja, Ninja the Protector and any other Godfrey Ho films will simply blow this out of the water) this film is only gonna be any good if they finally accept the inevitable and let the turtle people give that reporter bird a right good gangbanging.

Daredevil

A re-make of a film no-ones ever heard of. Typhoid Mary sounds like a good villain though. Some bird sat on a high rise building shatting on passers by has promise.

Predators

A reboot of the series that – praise the lord – should also totally ignore the increasingly wretched AvP movies. Robert Rodriguez is producing the project, with the Sin City co-helmer hiring Danish director Nimrod Antal (Vacancy) to direct. Oh great. That bloke who did Sin City, that’ll be good. So loads of washed out colours and ridiculous mongoloid characters fighting for no discernable reason. At least you’ll finally get one of the great mysteries answered – who would win in a fight? A highly advanced 8 foot tall reptilian alien or a twatting luminous orange goblin.

The Crow

“Whereas Proyas’ original was gloriously gothic and stylized, the new movie will be realistic, hard-edged and mysterious, almost documentary-style.” A realistic Crow movie. Not gonna work. Man loves bird, gang tries to rape bird, man intervenes, man and bird gets murdered by gang. Cut to cemetery. Family member at gravestone, crow lands on headstone, family member looks startled “oh my god, this is a sign. This crow isn’t ready to take my loved ones soul yet, instead he’ll be raised as an avenging angel of death to wreak bloody violent justice on those who wronged him!!” Me walking past. “Don’t talk shite, it’s just a crow. Get a grip you bell end.” Roll credits.

Conan the Barbarian

The past few months has seen two major updates about the Conan reimagining. Firstly Marcus Nispel – who helmed the decent Friday the 13th reboot – was was hired as director. And no amount of bikinis, decapitations or battles will stop a film about some bloke running round in his grundies from being completely suspect. Fact.

Robocop

Last year it was announced that Darren Aronofsky would helm a remake of Paul Verhoeven’s classic satire, with studio MGM promising an “edgy and provocative” film. A film in which Robocop doesn’t solve any crimes because, having learned from the first films the crooks realise that he minces about like Larry Grayson and moves about as fast as my mates 32 stone bird on a pedalo. So instead of skulking around in abandoned warehouses when he turns up they all just run away

Fantastic Four

A great opportunity for a realistic, but short film. The fantastic four turn up in Manchester to stop a betting shop being robbed. They quickly spring into action to stop the criminals but things take a turn for the worse when they all get shivved and are left dying on the shop floor. As they expire it suddenly dawns on the four of them that 1) There are no such things as superheroes and they are, in fact, just a bunch of fat speccy nerds who read too many comics and were totally unprepared to take on a gang of hardened criminals and 2) There are in fact only 3 of them and a blow up sex doll because having spent all their time getting fat and nerdy by sitting around reading comics (and no doubt playing Dungeons & Dragons) all day none of them actually knew a real bird who they could bring along to be “plasticine woman” or whatever the fuck she’s called.

Mortal Kombat

No point in a re-make, you can’t improve upon that bit where that kung fu master kicks sevens shades of stringy shit out of that kid in the first one. Brilliant fun, and nearly got me chucked out of the cinema I was laughing so much.

Superman

Oh, this’ll be good. “I’ve finally beat you Superman. I invented a contraption to nullify your super strength, I invented something else to stop your laser beam eyes, my third invention countered your ability to fly, and my last invention rendered your unfathomable and illogical ability to be bomb/bulletproof redundant.”
“That’s fair enough, but I just remembered that I can rewind time so I can go back and stop you doing any of this.”
“Oh yes, of course you can. How stupid of me not to realise. While we’re at it, are there any other superpowers you want to invent as you go along? Cos if there are, you could save us all a lot of time and effort by letting us know in advance. Or are you just trying to waste my fucking time here?”

Without wanting to sound too much like an old bastard, it’s just Kickstart without the two player mode, and so not even as good. What’s more Kickstart only cost £1.99 so wins on every count.

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