Basildon decimated……..well improved ;o)

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre in
Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
“Faaackinell”. The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30
worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and
the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt
out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros
arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching
Trisha the next morning.” Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were
unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and
Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after – items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport
socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food
parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required
foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans
of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the
compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a
family of 9. £5 buys Lambert & Butlers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected.

***Breaking news*** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered
in raspberry alco-pop. ‘Where are you bleeding from?’ they asked, “
ROMFORD” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”