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OK chaps n esses . I’ve just been milling this one over (well in fact trying to disect almost 2000 years of chinese whispers) I’ve had this theory for quite a long time. See what you think:
King Herod was actually Jesus’s real father and Mary was possibly part of the court of Herod. Joseph also perhaps was in Herods employ and took Mary away as Herod didnt want an illegitemate son making a claim for the throne and for that her life was probably in danger. It must have pissed him off so much that he tried to make sure that any baby boy was killed. Perhaps there was help from other kings (3) from smaller kindoms that travelled far to meet this child and give them finacial support as countless kings from other countries have done over the centuries.
OK so I’m calling Jesus a bastard (no offence Christians)
thoughts?PS. happy Christmas 😉
ain’t herods in knightsbridge………….feck!! your telling me Mr. Al Fayed killed JC!!! no wonder the royals took out his son and some blond bird he was dating 😯
That sounds reasonable, the hallucinations etc can also be attributed to opiates and other such drugs at the time and them all being technically crazy 😉
dont forget the “burning bush” after which Moses wrote his ten commandments:
This guy may go off and write a poem after burning that mother load 😀My theory is that you have to weigh up the potential benefits and pitfalls when taking risks. So, for instance, if you decide to mug that old granny in the street then the fact that you might do time (I say might because these days you probably won’t, but that’s the country gone to shit for you) means she really needs to be carrying enough cash to make that risk worthwhile.
So anyway Spunker, you might be right in your theory that Jesus might be the bastard offspring of a child murderer with a slag for a mum. On the other hand, you might just have condemned yourself to an eternity of excruciatingly painful bumrape at the hands of the giant Dale Winton demon in the seventh pit of hell.
So, weighing up the potential benefits and consequences here I’d have to say that I disagree with your theory and that god is a top bloke who is my best mate and I’ve never called his son the bastard offspring of a child murderer with a slag for a mum.
Just to make that clear – god is a top bloke who is my best mate and I’ve never called his son the bastard offspring of a child murderer with a slag for a mum.
Ooo I just had an Idea.. why dont we all make some stories up, bind them together then bury them for future… when someone then finds them whilst flying around in his jetpack.. they might think we are “gods” and “mirracle workers” we could say Max doesnt use hacks, or vic is rally straight.. Instant miracles in its self..
huh huh
or we could just print the whole of XDC Forums out.. genius!
“SOIA, god has sent me to tell you how much he loves you too. Not in a ‘massive gheyer’ sort of way though, a decent, manly let’s-have-a-wrestle-since-we’re-such-good-buddies kind of way. BTW I need an alibi for the other night. Any chance you could tell the press that I came around your place and talked about god ALL evening and didn’t go anywhere near a gay bar and get into a fight with butch Tony? There’s a crisp tenner in it if you’re convincing…”
@=XDC=sPUNKer wrote:
OK chaps n esses . I’ve just been milling this one over (well in fact trying to disect almost 2000 years of chinese whispers) I’ve had this theory for quite a long time. See what you think:
King Herod was actually Jesus’s real father and Mary was possibly part of the court of Herod. Joseph also perhaps was in Herods employ and took Mary away as Herod didnt want an illegitemate son making a claim for the throne and for that her life was probably in danger. It must have pissed him off so much that he tried to make sure that any baby boy was killed. Perhaps there was help from other kings (3) from smaller kindoms that travelled far to meet this child and give them finacial support as countless kings from other countries have done over the centuries.
OK so I’m calling Jesus a bastard (no offence Christians)
thoughts?PS. happy Christmas 😉
Now I’m not religious, but if I was Jesus and my real dad turned out to be Herod, I’d be pretty pissed off, especially if I’d spent my whole life telling people I was the son of god. Firstly it’d be very embarrassing, but secondly it’d be a major letdown; “What? My dad’s NOT a god? He’s just some baby killing king? Awww shit! To hell with all this preaching, I’m gonna kick some ass.”
*Cut to montage scene accompanied by ‘Eye of the Tiger’ as Jesus starts training himself to get some payback. We see him doing push ups, sit ups and practicing with weapons. At firts he’s not so good but by the end, he’s a master with cestus, throwing daggers, a trident and a recurve bow. The scene fades out with everybody clapping.
Jesus – “Payback time”
*Cut to scene of Herod in his castle surrounded by ninjas. He claps his hands and they all stand to attention.
Herod – “Bring in my wife to be.”
*Two ninjas enter, escorting Mary Magdelene clad in a golden bikini.
Mary – “I’ll never marry you Herod. Jesus will save me!”
Herod – “My son? MWAHAHAHAA! He’ll just run home and cry to his mommy!”
Jesus – “I guess you haven’t read the 11th commandment dad: “Thou shalt not piss me off!”
Herod – “Oh god! It’s jesus! Kill him my army of evil ninjas!”
*Massive fight scene ensues with lost of wire work and bullet time sequences as Jesus fights off the entire ninja army.
Jesus – “Now it’s just you and me dad!”
*Herod leaps at Jesus, but he’s too slow. His son’s sword pierces his heart.
Herod – “I’m… I’m sorry son. I always tried to be a good father to you… b… but I forgot the most important thing in life. Love”
Jesus – “Don’t you die on me you son-of-a-bitch! I’m sorry too dad, that it had to end like this!”
Herod – “Jesus, you’ve shown me what’s most… most important in life. I… I… I love yo…”
Jesus – “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Mary – “Oh Jesus. This is terrible, but as it turns out you’re not the son of god, how about we… you know… fool around!”
Jesus – “Woah baby! I never thought of that! Time to get me some poontang!”
God – “Hold on a minute there sonny Jim! I really am your dad, this is all just something thought up by that heretic Jonny Spunker.”
Jesus – “What? The bastard! And I was about to get some action for the first time in my fucking life! I hope he’s spending the afterlife with Dale Winton!”
God – “Oh he will be Jesus, he will be…”
Dear god I’m bored…
LOL! 😆
Although you have it a tad wrong Neon.
Jesus wouldnt have known that Herod was his father. Mary always claimed the birth to be immaculate conception, Which we all of course know is impossible. She always denied the exsitence of a father.
Anyway to back it up a bit, I found this on tinterweb:Matthew 1:18-2:23
The miraculous birth1. When Mary was engaged to Joseph, while she was still virgin, she was impregnated by the Holy Spirit. Joseph didn’t want to shame her so he resolved to break the engagement quietly.
18Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child of the Holy Spirit;
19and her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. (Matt. 1:18-19)Christians see no shame since the Holy Spirit impregnated her, but I do. Joseph had no knowledge of what happened, nor was he given a chance to grant permission. Nor are we told if Mary had advance knowledge. All of a sudden, she found herself pregnant for no apparent reason. The Holy Spirit just snuck in and did the deed. There is no escaping Jesus was born out of wedlock.
2. As Joseph was considering breaking off the engagement, an angel appeared to him in a dream to tell him she was conceived by the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son to be called Jesus who will save his people from their sins.
20But as he considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit;
21she will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.†(Matt. 1:20-21)The realistic explanation is not flattering. We could argue that the angel was just that, a dream. Mary was impregnated by a lover she couldn’t or wouldn’t name. Out of love for Mary, Joseph claimed to be the real father; but no matter how you look at it, Jesus was a bastard child.
So this guy is also going to the place with the big Dale Winton guy.
Oh and of course the Jews, Muslims, Bhuddist, Hindus and Jedi’s to name but a few of us.
It’s going to be a big party SOIA, sure you dont want to come? 😈PS i’m also bored, which is why I posted this 😉
No ta mate, I’ve got the Almighty keeping those Angelina Jolie angels warm for me and Neon. That’s assuming I give Neon his alibi of course. Even I could see through that picture of a vicar to see who was really in bother. I’m pretty sure the big cheese is wise to him already.
Besides word up in purgatory is that Legits reply is also getting him sent down as well, and there’s the distinct possibility that you’ll end up having to spend eternity listening to his BF2142 exploits whilst getting plugged up the tea towel holder by the giant Dale Winton demon in the seventh pit of hell….
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Yeah, I thought that might scare you.😯
Actually more the thought of him singing Gummy bears whilst I’m getting a right plugging.
Sorry JC didnt mean to call you a bastard. LeGit did tho 😉
@sickofitall wrote:
No ta mate, I’ve got the Almighty keeping those Angelina Jolie angels warm for me and Neon. That’s assuming I give Neon his alibi of course. Even I could see through that picture of a vicar to see who was really in bother. I’m pretty sure the big cheese is wise to him already.
Damnit SOIA! I thought my attempted alibi bribe ruse was fool proof.
Even so, I’d rather have a bunch of Kirsty Allsops keeping me company up in heaven, with maybe a few Kate Winslets and that Emma Bunton (who I’ve just decided I fancy). Obviously they’ll all have to die before I do, but once I’ve sorted that I’m sure I’ll be guarenteed a place past them pearly gates.
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