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A furious light sabre duel is taking place. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, and off
goes Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke
backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but
straight down.Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you. [pauses]
Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to
discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With
our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict, and bring
order to the galaxy.Luke: I’ll never join you!
Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never
told you what happened to your father…Luke: He told me enough… he told me you killed him.
Vader: No… I am your father.
Luke: No. No. That’s not true. That’s impossible!
Darth Vader: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Luke: NOOoooo!!! Noooooo…..
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true! And another thing, you know that brass
droid of yours?Luke: What? Threepio??
Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio! I built him! When I was 7 years old!!
Luke: NOOooooo….. wait a minute.. huh?!
Darth Vader: That’s right, seven years old and I single-handedly built
my own droid! Come to think of it, what exactly have you accomplished?
Look at yourself! No job, no hand, hanging out with smugglers, hairy
grunting apes, robots and the princess of a planet that was blown to
smithereens. And you couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of a
swamp. A friggin’ swamp, for crying out loud!Luke: But… I.. I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: Oh yeah right, when you were what, 20! When I was 10, I
single-handedly destroyed an entire Trade Federation Droid Control
ship!Luke: But (*sob*) it’s not my fault…
Darth Vader: Oh great, here we go! “Poor me, my father never gave me a
light sabre for my birthday! Boo hoo, my mommy died and my daddy’s the
Dark Lord of the Sith! Nobody ever loved me! Waahhh wahhh!”Luke: Shut up!
Darth Vader: You’re a slacker and a bum! By the time I was your age, I
had already exterminated the Jedi knights!Luke: Well, I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon…!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor!! 10 years old, winner of
the
Boonta Eve Open! The only human ever to fly a Pod Racer! You’re looking
at him, right here baby!Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I guess I was wrong all along. You’re not my kid! I don’t
know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine.Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft.Darth Vader looks down after him.
Darth Vader: And get a haircut!
One of Kay’s male mates’ girlfriend blew some guy in the toilets of a bar while he waited for her – her apology email is first followed by his response.
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p*ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won’t. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. Can’t even focus or work today, I can’t eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me.
Please don’t cut me off, I really don’t think I can handle that. I am so sorry.
ElizabethDear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L” for “Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about”. You did a stupid thing huh? No… doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is “a stupid thing”; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is “a stupid thing”; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a “stupid thing” as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying “Well, I didn’t love him” somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to you yesterday.Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill come-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child p*rn collector. I could be wrong but, it’s pretty hard to respect some chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she’s seeing someone else and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men’s room.
The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we’ll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC’d about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
BradKPMG
Executive Corporate Finance – Valuations>hahahah quality, but what it has to do with the lost scene in a the Empire Strikes Back baffles me somewhat 😉
Still very funnt though 😆
on the same theme:
Only a Paddy could pull this one off!
(gardai = police)
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from Carrick-on-suir Ireland.Recently a routine Gardai patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car
park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the
man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights.He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a Breathalyzer test.To his amazement theBreathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the Garda said “I’ll have to ask
you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment
must be broken.”“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.
True story…
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