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Now I’ve absolutely no idea who Emma Harrison is and I’m not the slightest bit interested in why she’s famous (unless she does hardcore porn of course, in which case I need links – but that goes without saying) but having done a google image search all I can say is that I fully expect that you absolutely insisted she pay her taxi fare by gash card.
@=XDC=Mouse101uk wrote:
@=XDC=NeonSamurai wrote:
Now I’m no mathmetician, but I can only count three genuinely straight men (not boys) currently posting on XDC.
Would that be you calling me a Fag then Neon?Now calm down fella, I’m sure there’s no reason to think that Neon was specifically aiming that at you.
Watched this last night. So here’s my definitive review.
Let’s get one thing out of the way first. Either I missed something very basic about this storyline or it had a plot hole in it the size of Elton Johns tea towel holder that rendered the entire story pointless. But let’s ignore that for now.
What we’ve got here is blatant plagiarism. Which is a pretty effing flash word for a Thursday morning, I can tell you. Even if I did probably arse up the spelling. This is a flimsy and pretty poor rip off of Treasure Hunt, the Channel 4 game show which featured Anneka Rice’s backside and a helicopter.
So what went wrong? Well it’s just a catalogue of bad casting and “character development†which makes an absolute mockery of the original I’m afraid.
For reasons unknown the old man in the studio is played by Gandalf in this film and they obviously thought it would be “funny†to make him a cripple and then, rather than having him sat in a comfy studio looking at ordnance survey maps they had him trying to run around all over the shop. Ho ho ho Mr Director, so it’s a good laugh watching someone whose legs don’t work trying to get somewhere in a hurry is it? Maybe he lost the use of his legs in a war or something defending your right to make crap films? Ever thought of that? No, didn’t think so. I’m sorry, but taking the piss out of people who need walking sticks is not cool. -1 to the film makers on that score then.
The contestants are played by Tom Hanks and some bird out of “Allo Allo†and let’s not even start on this. Suffice to say that they also have to run around looking for the treasure. That’s right! I mean, Eh? I know you expect some differences from the original but have these bozos ever even seen Treasure Hunt!!???
Which leaves us with Anneka Rice. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. I know she was a bit annoying with her stupid chirpy voice and slightly squashed face but she was still a passable bird I’d say. What did she do to deserve her character being turned into some masochistic perv who can’t even talk proper. That’s not all though, they just wouldn’t stop with her character assassination. Even on gypsy week I’d put money on the fact that Anneka Rice would never a) shoot an old man b) hit a nun and c) fight with the poh-lice. Honestly, she should sue for defamation.
What is even more puzzling is that they adapted Treasure Hunt into a film in the first place. Everyone knows that “The Interceptor†was absolutely smashing and far superior to Treasure Hunt in every way. Maybe the film makers didn’t feel up to it and in the end that’s a good thing judging by this shambles. At least The Interceptor is a classic that remains untouched by these Hollywood types who seem intent on cocking up everything.
I find it very difficult to score this film in any way, shape or form. Terrible remake, a story which didn’t even hang together and a complete lack of any tits and only one bird who wasn’t even more than average looking. Good god, a complete disaster of a film.
*edit*
Looking back at this thread I can see that we got some pictures of Salma Hayek in her duds into it for some reason. So the film gets 1 out of 10 for that reason (and only that reason).In my defence I can’t really click on links whilst I’m at work, hence why I rarely reply to anyone’s posts which include them.
In truth though Neon I think we have to accept that everyone else has just bottled it on account of the fact that they know that they couldn’t hope to beat the teams already up. Which is fair enough.
Sure, LeGits team has a distinct lack of proper strippers so lacks the dead sophisticated feel of our teams but he does have that Jessica Alba bird so on the “tarty bits you’d quite like to bum despite the fact that they have a bit of a chipmunk look about them in the face” stakes he has it pretty much sewn up.
I watched this trailer yesterday, it must have been great cos last night I actually dreamt I was in a tower block type shopping centre and it got overrun by zombies. We saw em coming and all ran to lock the doors but some plant pot forgot to lock his (think he was called LeBit or something, not that anyone asked, but still) and they all came running in and everyone got killed.
You might think it sounds like a bad dream but given my outlook on life I quite enjoyed it. Plus I escaped and saw some prostitutes, which was a bonus.
This is great! It’s like playing top trumps with fanny. Potentially the best game ever this!
Anyway Neon, I’ve got to congratulate you on the mental goth girl. I was pretty sure I had this sewn up but that one was extremely impressive. I’d go as far as to say that my reserve team captain could be struggling a bit here. Having said that, for looking off her tits barmy I’m still not sure she outdoes the leader of the bikini bandits.
But still, that’s a good shout and with that blonde bit you’ve got as the weapons expert that’s a respectable squad you’ve got there.
I hear what you say about the thin birds but we’ll just have to agree to differ on this one. I’m sorry, but no amount of moaning about diets and shite will ever convince me that I should replace Xenia Seeburg with someone like Kirsty who is, and let’s be honest here, a bit of a chipwreck. Besides, you either have Xenia nattering at you about how fat she feels or Kirsty constantly badgering you because she wants another game of hungry fucking hippoes between trips to the freezer to get more ice cream. So it’s still six o’ one and half a dozen of the other on that score.
I just e-mailed my mate and got it sorted. Quite honestly I don’t think that even Insane’s extensive knowledge of blart can produce a team that would equal mine. As you can see from my update, I’m so confident that I’ve even transfer listed a couple of my team. Be quick though, I’m alreasy getting offers! On that front and in answer to your enquiry Neon – no Rachel Sterling if pretty safe on that front – you can leave the fridge door open without her going apeshit, although I’d have to be honest and say that I don’t think she could stop the “Kirsty stampede” single handed.
Come on now everyone, admit it. You looked at that photo above and thought “Born on the Fourth of July”.
Shame on you all.
Bloody hell Insane I know the bird is easily the worst of the 3 but that’s a bit harsh.
Still, there must be some dodgy looking blokes round Manchester these days, that’s all I can say.
In truth my third choice would have been someone else but I don’t know her name – all I can tell you is that she has dark hair and was a presenter on a lot of satellite tv channels. English bird with a dirty voice (nowhere near Jennifer Charles though) and always wore far too much lipstick. If I can find out who she is I can stick her in.
Any road, I’m pretty sure that even with the at times ropey looking Milla my team would beat Neons in anything but a lard eating contest, at which point his Kirsty Allsopp would leave all in her wake. The fat cunt.
@=XDC=NeonSamurai wrote:
I’d have more respect for a writer like Salman Rushdie if he turned up in a few Harry Potter books
Salman Rushdie is actually in all the Harry Potter books Neon.
You wouldn’t notice him though.
He’s hiding.
I’ve read Druss The Legend, be buggered if I can remember absolutely anything about it though.
I swear to god I’m not having a go here but how come everyone is bothered about this bloke? Nothing against David Gemmell at all but Kurt Vonnegut died recently and that bloke was an absolute genius and no-one here even mentioned it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(and again for added effect)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*edit*
Actually, I do have a vague recollection of a story about some bloke with a big axe helping to defend some walls from these blokes who were stylised on the mongols, think that might have been it.Xenia Seeburg
Expertise: Doing the washing up and giving me Horatio.
Yep, one look at this dinghy lipped sort makes it perfectly obvious where her talents lie. Xenia doesn’t go out on many outside operations these days on account of the fact that she’s got dodgy knees (see expertise).Bianca Beauchamp
Expertise: Basically getting tanked all over the shop by, you guessed it, me again.
If there’s one fetish I can’t see the point of it’s all that rubber bollocks. What is all that about? It’s just sods law that I’ve got a thing about redheads and the good looking one does all that crap. Nonetheless, there’s nothing wrong with her that a change of clothes won’t fix so she’s in. Although she’d be walking like a gunslinger after 2 days in the team with me in charge. Get in!_____________________________________________________________
**********************TRANSFER LISTED************************
Milla Jovovovovovoich
Expertise: Going down the shops for beer for me and taking it up the Jimmy Saville.This birds experience in fighting through zombie infested wastelands gives her invaluable experience for going down to the shops in Bradford for more booze. Her one weakness is that she’s a tad breastitute so is going to be found wanting on the soapy tit wank front. Fortunately Bianca has that covered though. I’ll also overlook the fact that sometimes she can look a bit ropey as well. Some of the more wary of you might point out that this bird is likely be a bit feisty and difficult to control. Not to worry – if she gets uppity with me I’ll just twat her over the head with me slagbat and the Resident Evil heroine will soon be seeing STARS. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
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Emily Booth
*** NEW SIGNING ***
New Signing Emily not only replaces Milla, but also means that Rachel Sterling is no longer a first teamer either. So feel free to use either of these 2 transfer listed tarty bits in your own squad.Reserves:
Need shit smashing up? Need your garden ornamentation covered in girl gloop? I got just the thing. Call me up and I’ll send my reserves over, the Bikini Bandits. Here’s their promotional video. Special discounted rates for clan members only.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qn0G0NPmKpo
I’m aware that strictly speaking this contravenes the 1 reserves rule but I’m allowed these cos It’s A Perfect Circle vid. Rock on.Youth team: You really need to get your business heads on. It’s all very well having 3 angels and a reserve but you need an academy where you can bring through promising youngsters. Yes, you might be happy now but in 10 years or so you’re all gonna end up with angels who have to lift up their skirts to scratch their breasts. Not me, I bagsied Imogen Poots and she’s my promising youngster . In her late teens now she’s just about ready for her first outing and it’s a good job I’ll be around to show her the ropes.
Receptionist: Jennifer Charles. Now lesser crimefighting agencies might put some feckless dolly bird on reception. But as you’ve no doubt gathered I run a much more refined operation. Sure, the singer for arty farty rockers Elysian Fields must be pushing forty these days but she still has the dirtiest voice ever – so she gets to answer the phone.
Filing clerk: I wouldn’t need files but I’d have them anyway. I’d keep them on the floor and my filing clerk would have to move them around. My filing clerk is Keyra Augustina. Now let’s be honest, if you know who she is then you’ll be nodding in agreement at my sage choice of having the finest arse in the world constantly bending over to pick up files. If you don’t know who she is then I’ve got some really bad news for you – your computer is a complete waste of an internet connection and should be taken away from you. Seriously.
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********************* TRANSFER LISTED ************************
Tea Lady: Now Rachel Sterling makes a lousy cup of tea. Luckily this doesn’t matter for 2 reasons. First, in true secret agent/crimefighting style she isn’t actually the tea lady, she’s the third real member of the group and that arsey cow Jovovovovovich is a plant, put there by me so I get an extra tarty bit to harass when she’s not having one of her more ropey days. Second reason is I can’t stand tea anyway so who gives a shit?
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Body double: Realdoll, face no.12. You lot are amateurs. I bet not one of you even thought of a body double. So good luck with your unconvincing cardboard cutouts and cheap mannequins when your team gets into a tight spot. Not only have I got a proper body double, but I can give it a damn good seeing to as well. Plus I’ve got the best looking one too. Hands off!
Look, that was okay but if she also sung her 80’s hit China in Your Hand at the same time, then I’d be dead impressed.
It was a theme she had
On a scheme he had
Told in a foreign land
To take life on earth
To the second birth
And the man was in command
It was a flight on the wings
Of a young girl’s dreams
That flew too far away
And we could make the monster live againOh hands move and heart beat on
Now life will return in this electric storm
A prophecy for a fantasy
The curse of a vivid mindDon’t push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don’t wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can’t help them
You don’t know what you might
Have set upon yourself
China in your handCome from greed
Never born of the seed
Took a life from a barren hand
Oh eyes wide
Like a child in the form of man
A story told
A mind of his own
An omen for our timeDon’t push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don’t wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can’t help them
You don’t know what you might
Have set upon yourself
China in your hand
Oh your hand
Your dreams are china in your hand, wooah
Here in your hand
China in your hand, woh oh oh woh oh oh woh oh
Here in your handWoh! You take a flight on the wings of fantasy
Then you push too far
And make your dreams reality
Yeah! For the china in your hand
But you shouldn’t push too hardYou take a flight on the wings of fantasy
Then you push too hard
You make those dreams reality
Yeah! China in your hands
But they’re only dreamsThey sell Old Pec (which is proper whitetrashhardcorerockn’rollfuckyou wifebeater, not like that pissy Stella) and Dark Erdinger at Morrisons as well.
Having said that, I suppose Stella would be alright to make nice lager shandy’s with for the missus and and any under 5’s you’ve got – so it’s still a bargain.
