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But it could so easily be Wiper’s Angels, Pharty’s Angels, nOm’s Angels or even as unlikely as it sounds Insane’s Angels. The premise being, if you had to put together an all girl crimefighting team (including a substitute) who would your team comprise of?
Here’s mine Starting with the leader:
Well, like, duh? Of course Kirsty Allsop’s the leader. She’s smart (as you can see in the picture), posh and knows about houses.
Weapons expert:
Joy Hickey from ‘My Name is Earl’. Not Jamie Pressley, but Joy. She’s a classy lady who isn’t afraid to put out when it’s required. And sometimes when it’s not. I don’t really care if she can’t use a gun.
Space Pilot:
Obviously Wilma Dearing. In a recent thread someone posted I was reminded how much of a good pilot she was. And that’s why she made the team, ‘cos of her skillz.
On the subs bench:
Who can fly a spaceship, handle weaponry, talk posh and hopefully put out? Well probably no-one, but I fancy Winslet, so she’s on the team.
In the unlikely event that you think you can out-angel me then please go ahead and put together your own team, but don’t be surprised when they fail in their first mission (finding a suitable home in a trailer park on Venus).
This thread aint big enough for mine!
will work on it later.. got fuji and Atos bods comming to see me in a bit
Xenia Seeburg
Expertise: Doing the washing up and giving me Horatio.
Yep, one look at this dinghy lipped sort makes it perfectly obvious where her talents lie. Xenia doesn’t go out on many outside operations these days on account of the fact that she’s got dodgy knees (see expertise).Bianca Beauchamp
Expertise: Basically getting tanked all over the shop by, you guessed it, me again.
If there’s one fetish I can’t see the point of it’s all that rubber bollocks. What is all that about? It’s just sods law that I’ve got a thing about redheads and the good looking one does all that crap. Nonetheless, there’s nothing wrong with her that a change of clothes won’t fix so she’s in. Although she’d be walking like a gunslinger after 2 days in the team with me in charge. Get in!_____________________________________________________________
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Milla Jovovovovovoich
Expertise: Going down the shops for beer for me and taking it up the Jimmy Saville.This birds experience in fighting through zombie infested wastelands gives her invaluable experience for going down to the shops in Bradford for more booze. Her one weakness is that she’s a tad breastitute so is going to be found wanting on the soapy tit wank front. Fortunately Bianca has that covered though. I’ll also overlook the fact that sometimes she can look a bit ropey as well. Some of the more wary of you might point out that this bird is likely be a bit feisty and difficult to control. Not to worry – if she gets uppity with me I’ll just twat her over the head with me slagbat and the Resident Evil heroine will soon be seeing STARS. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
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Emily Booth
*** NEW SIGNING ***
New Signing Emily not only replaces Milla, but also means that Rachel Sterling is no longer a first teamer either. So feel free to use either of these 2 transfer listed tarty bits in your own squad.Reserves:
Need shit smashing up? Need your garden ornamentation covered in girl gloop? I got just the thing. Call me up and I’ll send my reserves over, the Bikini Bandits. Here’s their promotional video. Special discounted rates for clan members only.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qn0G0NPmKpo
I’m aware that strictly speaking this contravenes the 1 reserves rule but I’m allowed these cos It’s A Perfect Circle vid. Rock on.Youth team: You really need to get your business heads on. It’s all very well having 3 angels and a reserve but you need an academy where you can bring through promising youngsters. Yes, you might be happy now but in 10 years or so you’re all gonna end up with angels who have to lift up their skirts to scratch their breasts. Not me, I bagsied Imogen Poots and she’s my promising youngster . In her late teens now she’s just about ready for her first outing and it’s a good job I’ll be around to show her the ropes.
Receptionist: Jennifer Charles. Now lesser crimefighting agencies might put some feckless dolly bird on reception. But as you’ve no doubt gathered I run a much more refined operation. Sure, the singer for arty farty rockers Elysian Fields must be pushing forty these days but she still has the dirtiest voice ever – so she gets to answer the phone.
Filing clerk: I wouldn’t need files but I’d have them anyway. I’d keep them on the floor and my filing clerk would have to move them around. My filing clerk is Keyra Augustina. Now let’s be honest, if you know who she is then you’ll be nodding in agreement at my sage choice of having the finest arse in the world constantly bending over to pick up files. If you don’t know who she is then I’ve got some really bad news for you – your computer is a complete waste of an internet connection and should be taken away from you. Seriously.
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Tea Lady: Now Rachel Sterling makes a lousy cup of tea. Luckily this doesn’t matter for 2 reasons. First, in true secret agent/crimefighting style she isn’t actually the tea lady, she’s the third real member of the group and that arsey cow Jovovovovovich is a plant, put there by me so I get an extra tarty bit to harass when she’s not having one of her more ropey days. Second reason is I can’t stand tea anyway so who gives a shit?
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Body double: Realdoll, face no.12. You lot are amateurs. I bet not one of you even thought of a body double. So good luck with your unconvincing cardboard cutouts and cheap mannequins when your team gets into a tight spot. Not only have I got a proper body double, but I can give it a damn good seeing to as well. Plus I’ve got the best looking one too. Hands off!
Bloody hell Insane I know the bird is easily the worst of the 3 but that’s a bit harsh.
Still, there must be some dodgy looking blokes round Manchester these days, that’s all I can say.
In truth my third choice would have been someone else but I don’t know her name – all I can tell you is that she has dark hair and was a presenter on a lot of satellite tv channels. English bird with a dirty voice (nowhere near Jennifer Charles though) and always wore far too much lipstick. If I can find out who she is I can stick her in.
Any road, I’m pretty sure that even with the at times ropey looking Milla my team would beat Neons in anything but a lard eating contest, at which point his Kirsty Allsopp would leave all in her wake. The fat cunt.
I just e-mailed my mate and got it sorted. Quite honestly I don’t think that even Insane’s extensive knowledge of blart can produce a team that would equal mine. As you can see from my update, I’m so confident that I’ve even transfer listed a couple of my team. Be quick though, I’m alreasy getting offers! On that front and in answer to your enquiry Neon – no Rachel Sterling if pretty safe on that front – you can leave the fridge door open without her going apeshit, although I’d have to be honest and say that I don’t think she could stop the “Kirsty stampede” single handed.
Pah!
There are two reasons why Allsop would crush your team singlehandedly (alright, maybe 3 from a potential enegry angle):
1) Rubenesque girls are (by definition) not worried by what they put in their mouths. I don’t know many sturdy vegan girls, and they certainly won’t put any meat in their mouths.
2) She’s a posh gal who dresses in a very prim manner. Which when coupled with point number one makes her a grade 1 goer. And a dirty one at that. Everyone knows that librarian birds are like freaking succubi on heat when you get them home, so I guess estate agents must be similar.
Plus she wouldn’t bleat on about how she looks ‘fat’ like all other women who are size 10 or lower. “Oh my god! I look so fat!” is probably what Kate Moss says again and again and again. And heaven help you if even got bored of saying no and said “Actually, you do a bit…” Oh dear god, could you imagine that? No wonder Pete Dogherty was smashed out of his brain 24/7, he’d probably taken prozac to numb the monotonous pain.
I hadn’t considered a reserves team though, and really I think I should. In fact I am right now. Considering them. Considering them naked.
Here’s my reserves:
Spunky, plucky angel wannabe is 34 year old Alysson Hannigan:
Strengths: She’s plucky and spunky and might be a bit bi according to something I saw her do in TV. She’s shorter than me.
Weaknesses: The girl I saw her with was no oil painting, and then went mental.
Mental goth girl:
Strengths: She’s a mental goth girl. What won’t she do (unlike that prissy do-gooder Hannigan)? Sex in a church yard? You got it? In fact, pretend to be channeling that bloke from the cure, and she’ll do you anywhere!
Weaknesses: She’s mental, and a goth. Probably will want to drink your blood, or talk about death alot. But at least she doesn’t think she’s fat.
Sophie Raworth:
Strengths: She’s Sophie fuckin’ Raworth and she doesn’t take no shit from no-one. You fuck with her she’ll cap you in da ass, you dumb ass mofo.
Weaknesses: I think she married Tim Westwood.
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