sickofitall

That’s the problem Neon. No-one could make a bike game that’s even half as good as Action Biker, Clumsy Colin so there really isn’t any point in trying.

I don’t know Neon, maybe we’re just getting old and don’t know what’s cool anymore. I mean, I always thought Duke Nukem was dead cool but apparently he doesn’t impress the birds at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm3lPRnEISA&mode=related&search=
*NSFW*

Prepare to be surprised then Insane!

**Warning, minor “plot” spoilers follow (plot appears in quotes because if this is a sorry excuse for a plot then you can paint me black and call me Nelson Mandela)**

Now computer games can take you to different places. Yeah, in God Of War you were a mental Spartan who tore people heads off and shat down their necks (GoW and Gow 2 – now they were good games), in Pro Evo you can be good at football (unless the computer decides it’s gonna pull off it’s pitch bending cheats) and in Oblivion you can be some plasticine faced pillock surrounded by birds who look like blokes and the most boring game world ever conceived.

But you know, who decided that a monger goth with a speech impediment would be a cool lead character? Were they intentionally taking the piss? “What we need is an anti-hero, you know, something different” / “I know, remember The Crow, everyone liked that lets copy that but as a bit of a twist lets make our guy a bit of a cretin” / “Yeah, brilliant idea!”. I mean, Eh?

So anyway you start off in a car spazzing around (Ever seen Dead Mans Shoes? Well that paras brother – you’re basically him but with a girls haircut) and before you know it you’ve got to kill some bloke, and all of a sudden Mike Patton out of Faith No More starts talking to you. Now once again I have to say that whatever lifestyle you choose is up to you, but Mike Patton is, as Neon pointed out is the PC way of saying it, a massive gheyer. So if you’re ever in a situation whereby Mike Patton is whispering sweet nothings in your ear it probably means that you’ve wandered into the wrong bar.

Anyhow, your boss doubles crosses you and tries to blow you up. Not in a Mike Patton kind of way though, in an explosive sense. So what do you do when this happens to you. Well you’d do what any like minded bloke would do without a second thought or concern – you grow two huge bell ends with sharp teeth out of your shoulders and eat people with them. That’s right. You don’t say “Whoa shit, what the fuck was that!!!” or anything because growing giant cockends out of your upper body is apparently pretty normal.

Bizarrely you then go and see your bird because it’s your birthday! Honestly! What a day! Got sent on a hit, boss tried to kill me, he’s even got all his goons after me and to top it all off I’ve now turned into some kind of dong monster. But hey, at least it’s my birthday, think I’ll go see the missus! What!!???

Even worse is when you get there your bird just wants to sit and watch telly. That’s right, your characters 21st birthday and the frigid bitch isn’t putting out at all. Not evena lousy bj. Ah well, this bit is realistic at least.

Which brings us onto the gangsters who you face rape with your giant slagbats. “you’re home early” the wife says “hard day doing gangsta sheet, babe”. “Yeah, I clocked off early, bad day. Nearly got caught by a giant nob creature. Bugger this I though, I’ll have an early night”. That’s what you would do. What you wouldn’t do when attacked by a man with an angry giant detachable penis is run around in circles until you get your face bitten off. Unless of course it’s just killed your mate and then inexplicably got completely stuck on his body, allowing you to run up to it’s owner and pop a cap in his ass as he desperately tries to free his appendage from the f**cking scenery.

The game ends after a few days when after being a gullible twonk for buying the game some other gullible twonk buys your copy off ebay. Which if you want to be philosophical might say something about the circle of life, but probably just means that there are cunts even more stupid than me left in the world.

Bollocks to computer games. Porn all the way.

WeT, try downloading that IE addon for Firefox that allows you to open pages in IE. It might work.

Rodders: Hey Dave. Look at him at the bar. Reckon we can rope him in?

Dave: Well, it’s worth a try mate. Hey you – come over here.

Gathrax: Yes, what is it.

Dave: I’ve got a dead important quest for you like, you interested? It will be challenging and dead important like so it’s not a task to be taken up lightly.

Gathrax: Of course I’m interested.

Dave: Right, well what you have to do is go out into the Felchmuncher swamp and kill 35 brown ratmen and collect their toes and bring ‘em back here. I’ll give you something dead good when you get back. But first you’ve got to promise to give me 8 quid a month.

Gathrax: Well that sounds fair. Here you go.

Dave: Right off you pop. Don’t come back without them toes because if you do I’ll just repeat “Haven’t you got those toes yet, you better go out and get them!” ad nauseum until you do.

Rodders: Off he goes, one born every minute!

Dave: Aye – well that’s another 8 quid. Get the beers in Rodders.

Rodders: Oh, hold yer horses, here’s a familiar face.

Dave: Alreet Hippy, how’s it going lad?

MadHippy: Oh it’s great! I got those toes you asked for!

Dave: What?! You actually did that. For fu- Oh I mean, yeah, well done like.

MadHippy: Can I have my reward now please?

Dave: Err, reward. Yeah, sure. Here you go, have this.

MadHippy: But that’s just a stick you picked up off the floor.

Dave: No, no lad. Magic stick that, does magic stuff and all sorts.

MadHippy: What does it do then?

Dave: Ah well, here’s the thing. You got to unlock it’s power see. What you need to do is go back to Felchmuncher Swamp and kill 35 yellow ratmen this time. Once you’ve done that go and see Pat Nagle in Dustwallow Marsh and he’ll tell you what to do.

MadHippy: Hang on, something is very fucking wrong here.

Dave: Nonsense mate. Now off you trot. But hey, I think that’s another 8 quid you owe me lad. Cheers.

Rodders: There goes another. Who the hell is Pat Nagle by the way.

Dave: Christ knows mate, I make it up as I go along.

Ryzo: Hello! Dave, Rodders! I’m back! I got those toes you asked for.

Rodders: Aww, fucking hell Dave, not again.

It will be a complete disaster. For starters it’s based on a twat bollocks coma inducing game that looks like a cartoon.

But it will be shit for a different reason:

Even the porno version of WoW was crap. Someone at “Legendary Pictures” should realise that if you can’t even make a watchable grumble flick out of toss like this then you’re knackered before you’ve started. Watching some Czech bird wearing spock ears performing Horatio on some bloke in a cape is a bit weird and doesn’t help you crash the yoghurt truck at all. Even midget porn has more going for it.

Given that WoW is primarily aimed at kids then the film is gonna be the same and their consequently even going to remove the hardcore sex from the mainstream version, and as tapped and wrong in the head you’d have to be to have fantasies about bumming an orc woman (and thinking back to a few of the monsters I’ve tonked I might have done this) it’s probably still a better way of spending your time than playing World of Warcraft anyway.