sickofitall

He’s not the sharpest tool in the box by the looks of it but admit it – he livens up the forums a bit.

I play Sexy Beach 3. I’d strongly recommend it to anyone who likes wanking since the game basically involves sexually harassing virtual women until they put out.

As an added bonus, it’s probably the only game you’ll ever play where you can get a virtual footjob off a bird who dresses like a cat and meows all the time – and there are still people who will tell you that there’s no originality in games anymore!

Rodders “Get yer coat Dave, We’ve got to go see Barney, he’s in the hospital.”
Dave “Jesus, what happened? Is he okay? Should I bring some grapes”
Rodders “Bring some if you like fella but you might as well mash em up because the poor bastards going to be eating through a straw for the next 6 months. He was walking home from seeing his mum when he got jumped by half a dozen minotaurs.”
Dave “Eh? I’ve never even seen a minotaur, where the hell did they come from?”
Rodders “That’s nothing, all the bandits have dead flash armour now and those ridiculous portals are chucking out giant crocodile monsters. It’s all going to shit.”
Dave “What’s going on then? Something must have happened?”
Rodders “Yeah, it seems that the pillock that the King sent out on that made up quest has been doing this thing called ‘levelling up’ and as a consequence bigger monsters are appearing from nowhere and the bandits are getting better armour.”
Dave “Err, come again?”
Rodders “I know, I know….”
Dave “No Rodders, the thing is you don’t know. Just think about what you’re saying here. You’re saying that 1 person, that’s just 1 person runs around this bland featureless shithole for a few days and then out of absolutely nowhere all this shite happens just because he reaches level fucking 14. Right honest Rodders, I was born at night but not last night. That makes no kind of logical sense whatsoever. It’s stupid beyond belief. Words cannot express how cretinous that is.”
Rodders “Look Dave, I’m just telling you how it is. Yes, it’s ridiculous. Yes, you’d have to lobotomise yourself to even think it makes half an ounce of sense but I’m telling you that’s why. It wouldn’t be so bad if this geezer was doing anything useful but he’s just running through miles of grass and trees and then going into those caves and old temples.”
Dave “But why mate? Everywhere looks exactly the same and all the caves and temples are just as bad. You’ve been in one, you’ve been in ‘em all.”
Rodders “Honestly Dave, no-one knows. It’s fair to say that he’s getting right on everyone’s tits now though. Okay, a joke’s a joke but this is bloke should just do one as far as I’m concerned.”
Dave “Yeah, he’s got me right pissed off now. I can see him getting a right shoeing once I’ve been to see Barney.”
Rodders “Don’t you worry about that mate, that cunts getting glassed next time I see him.”

So anyway Doc, you get the idea. If I were you I’d go out and get Vampire, Bloodlines or Jade Empire instead. They’re far better games anyway.

Listen Doc, everyone in your game of Oblivion really hates your f***ing guts.

Here’s why:

Before you arrived;

Dave “How do, Kings Ranger? You okay mate, you got a fat face today – your glands up or something?”
Rodders “Aye not bad ta. Eeh though, I gotta tell you this, you’re not gonna believe it!”
Dave “What’s that then?”
Rodders “I was walking through the woods t’other day…”
Dave “Through the woods you say? Whereabouts?
Rodders “I’ll be fucked if I know mate, this place all looks the same to me.”
Dave “True, true. I can’t be arsed to go out anymore, bores me to death, we all just stay inside and watch telly. That’s happen why everyone’s got a fat face round here.”
Rodders “Aye, I know. Anyway, as I was saying I was walking around in all the grass and trees everywhere trying not to fall into a coma when I suddenly saw this huge glowing red portal!”
Dave “Get lost, you’re having me on.”
Rodders “No, straight up, there it was looking totally out of place and a bit threatening but I thought I’d go have a gander”
Dave “Bloody hell, sounds ominous. No monsters were coming out of it I hope?”
Rodders “Nah, nothing to worry about. Got over there and there were all these miniature Billie Piper lookalikes milling about. They got a bit arsey but I just kicked their faces off. No problem.”
Dave “Ah, that’s alright then. Hey, did you hear about Derek? He accidentally burned down Kvatch.”
Rodders “Oh yeah, I’d heard about that, got pissed I think and no-one knows how he managed it. Silly fucker! He’s a laugh though.”
Dave “Yeah. Anyway, I got to go, I’m meeting the wife in 5 minutes. We’re off into town, gonna walk it. Grass and trees, grass and trees. Jesus!”
Rodders “Fair enough, have a good ‘un. How is the wife by the way?”
Dave “Ah you know, fat face, looks like a bloke in drag, just like all the other birds round here”
Rodders “Yeah I know, why do we bother? Anyway, take care mate.”

(Christ, this is taking ages to explain, I’ll carry on explaining later if anyone gives a monkeys.)

All I know is that mainland European porn is consistently better than American porn. But there is no doubt that American porn is a million miles better than British porn, which is invariably crap beyond belief.

Other than that, what difference does it make, right fair?

@VicJameson wrote:

When filming yourself having sex with a lady, remember to withdraw at the point of climax to show the viewer those silken cords of jizz arcing into her face. A good film is nothing without a money shot.

I don’t know, trust Vic to lower the tone.

Alternatively get her at it like a dog eating hot chips and then release the population paste when you’re chintappers deep and you’ve a good chance of it coming out of her nose. Not only does this look great for the cameras but your lady friend will absolutely love it and be really grateful.

@Mr.Fenix wrote:

LeGIt, ArmA has motorbikes 8) but no badges :shock:. Watcha gonna do?

I wouldn’t bother with it for the bikes to be honest. I’ve played around on them on ArmA a few times and I’ve never been able to go fast enough to be shit cool and invulnerable to crashes.

(Hey hey hey – sorry chaps, couldn’t resist. Now hold on to your hats, here we go again!)

@=XDC=JuDgE-MenTaL wrote:

Bug Fixes

– Can no longer knockout Cavewoman class with spikey club and drag back to uncap cave base.

Well EA can fuck off then. That was not a bug it was a VALID TACTIC. Plus they removed my Pleistocene Pimping Gold Medal. Fucking wankers can stick their game. I’m done.