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@sickofitall wrote:
@=XDC=NeonSamurai wrote:
Any of you married blokes got any advice for a happy marriage?
Well, I’ve never been married because I’ve got more sense but here are my general tips based upon experience.
Firstly if your missus is a goth don’t go out in a rubber top to please her on the basis that since your mates are up in Yorkshire and you are in Nottingham they won’t be any the wiser. On the off chance that they do decide to have a night out in Nottingham not only will the beasting be too much that you have to go home early, it’ll also mean that you can never go out again. No self respecting mate is ever going to give you a minutes peace for being caught dressed like a bummer. Not for the rest of your living days. Well, I won’t anyway.
If your missus weighs over 20 stone and draws on her eyebrows keep the fat twat under control. It might be totally acceptable for your other half to talk to you like you’re some kind of spineless servant but if she starts trying to pull that shit with your friends she’s going to get told to shut the fuck up. Also, don’t let her sit on little canvass camping chairs either, she’ll only break them and then roll around on her back for 10 minutes like a marooned beetle whilst everyone pisses themselves laughing.
If your other half is a goggle eyed buffoon with a face like a bucket of frogs do not let her come onto me whilst I’m sat next to Alice the Goon and trying to get rid of her. I might not have much pride but even I don’t want to look like I’ve just been down to the circus and pulled the Troglodyte Sisters for a threesome. Jesus.
If your wife is a tidy redhead it’s probably not a good idea to let her go to nightclubs and tell poor unsuspecting blokes that’s she’s single. I’m not saying anything happened or anything. I’m just saying, that’s all. You know, that bloke could find out later that she’s spoken for and might have to be thankful that nothing happened and he didn’t even see her then or ever, for instance.
I can’t explain this one, so I’ll just say it. Don’t let your missus go to my mates house and do a crap in the bathroom bin. The fucking toilets in there for gods sake. What the hell was she thinking??!
Anyhow, I could go on but I’ll be writing this pointless nonsense all day. In short, don’t let her do anything.
Those are all very valid points that I will have to take into consideration, especially shitting in a bin. I had a mate that tried to take a dump in the bath when he was very drunk, but he wasn’t my wife, so the lessons learned there weren’t that applicable.
One piece of advice that I can give to you single blokes is this:
If the girl you are going out with has an identical twin called Michelle, don’t accidentally call her by her name. If you do, don’t then say that you find her attractive too and it was a simple mistake to make, what with them looking so alike, even though Michelle’s a bit thinner.
Hope the two of you have a fantastic day. Might as well start the good life off with a bang.
Best wishes to you both.
happy birthday neon, another year has past and you can start looking forward to next year!
I made a joke!
😯
WeT shuffles back to his hideout………..
@=XDC=NeonSamurai wrote:
Those are all very valid points that I will have to take into consideration, especially shitting in a bin.
That why they carry hand bags for 😯
Well you’ll all be pleased to know that the wedding went relatively smoothly and I’m now officially married.
Not sure I’d want to do it again though. Bloody hell!
Good fun, but knackering!
Pictures to follow when we get back from Kenya.
@=XDC=MADMAX wrote:
good news fella! Dont wee in the water, tip for you!
Ewwww… Is that because of that fish that swims up the stream o’ piss into your fellah and makes itself at home? I’ve heard of that thing. Sounds ghastly 🙁
The candiru, vampire fish.
When candirus parasitize humans, it is usually only when they are skinny-dipping while urinating in the water. The candiru tastes the urine stream and follows it back to the human. It then swims up the anus and lodges itself somewhere in the urinary tract with its spines.
Amputation of the private areas is the cheapest, and most life-changing, way to remove the fish. Actual surgery is extremely expensive and involves inserting the Xagua plant and the Buitach apple up the urethra.
😀
It is feared by the natives because it is attracted to urine or blood, and if the bather is nude it will swim into an orifice (the anus or vagina, or even in the case of smaller specimens the penisâ€â€ÂÂand perhaps deep into the urethra).
I guess you are talking from experience Max and have no cock?
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