A Sad Day

Yes that’s right everybody. As has become customary and because I haven’t started a thread in ages and so I don’t feel left out I’d like to announce the sad demise of some minor celebrity or other somewhere in the world who will almost certainly die today.

This celebrity had a profound effect on us all in some way. Perhaps your neighbours best friends dog had a puppy they sold to his or her aunty. Or perhaps you saw them in an advert for Pot Noodles in 1985. Whatever they did, it was all done with the utmost integrity and all his or her friends will back me up when I tell you what a wonderful person he or she was. Of course, if you ask his or her enemies they’ll probably tell you they were a right miserable cunt, but luckily no-one asks people’s enemies what they were like after they’ve kicked the bucket so it’s best not to dwell on that.

I’m sure that you’ll join the millions of people all over who would be in mourning if they’d ever heard of this person and gave a monkeys to begin with and join me in wishing the deceased a happy trip to whatever afterlife you believe in or an eternity of oblivion if you think Jesus was made up by 12 blokes 2000 years ago as an excuse to go to Jerusalem and get laid by dirty hookers (“Honestly luv, it’s my mates crucifixion, if you don’t believe me just ask Judas. I can’t miss it now can? I’ll be back in a week”).

Please take a moment to offer your condolences before we all go back to more important things, like discussing which birds we’d most like to shag (or give daft superpowers to, if you’re that way inclined) or which barbecue sauce tastes best on your chips. Or even which bird you’re most likely to see eating barbecue sauce and chips – I’m talking about you Allsopp!

On such a sombre occasion frowning smileys don’t seem to appropriately convey the grief-stricken mood that I’m sure we all don’t feel. So here’s a picture of a dog on a tricycle, with a cat on his head balancing two mice on a stick.

A sad day indeed.