off switch for women

After years of research, Japanese scientists have announced they are close to perfecting the long awaited ‘off switch’ for women. In an announcement that has caused rejoicing amongst husbands and boyfriends worldwide, the scientist’s claim that the ‘relationship saviour’ could be a reality in as little as 6 months.

The ‘Off’ switch mechanism will be less than two inches in diameter and uses some of the most up to date technology available today. The device will be located at the base of the cranium, with the switch connected via Bluetooth technology, to the frontal lobal area of the female brain, thus allowing the instant immobilisation of the subject as soon as the switch is operated. Once activated, said subject will be completely comatose and non-reactive to external stimuli.

For safety reason, said switch will only function while subject is in ‘seated’ mode to prevent any accidents. Initially scientists also wished to restrict its function further, for example to prevent its activation while said female is driving, but it was quickly established that the activation of the ‘off’ switch in this scenario would make little difference to the average female’s ability to control a vehicle.

The scientists have also pointed out that although the mode will be defined as ‘off’, in fact, for safety reasons, some basic biological functions will still be allowed to function normally, such as breathing, digesting food etc. Happily, the scientists have confirmed that no brain activity is expected in this mode though.

The scientists are also attempting to development a third mode, which will offer husbands and boyfriends more choice. ‘Autopilot’ may eventually be implemented, its purpose similar to ‘off’ mode, but with the added bonus of certain basic, physical functions still being possible for the female. For example, various household chores will be able to continue uninterrupted, but without the traditional hectoring, running commentary that usually accompanies such activities.

There are also plans for a remote control version of the switch, which would allow spouses to deactivate their lady from up to 1 mile away (or if you live in a small village, from the comfort of the local pub).

Furthermore, Scientists also plan to eventually install a ‘master switch’ in all areas of significant population worldwide. This Master Switch would be able to override and deactivate all females in a 5 mile radius (overriding any safety measures) and thus, is intended that it would only be used in times of emergency, such as or cup final day or when Top Gear is showing.

The Government plans to mark the launch of the London Master Switch with a ceremonial switching on ceremony at Whitehall by Mayor Boris Johnson. At precisely 6:00 pm on the launch day, Johnson will hit the switch to the accompaniment of fireworks, masculine cheering and the sound of thousands of women clumping to the floor simultaneously.

A spokesman for STFUWMEAB (Shut The Fuck Up Woman, My Ears Are Bleeding) organisation welcomed the announcement, gleefully stating “At last, after years of relentless nagging, pointless chitter-chatter and frankly inane commentaries on their friends sadly laughable love-lives, we finally are presented with a workable remedy to this debilitating problem”

A spokeswitch for SUFSFNR (The Society for Unreasonable Females Shouting For No Reason), expressed what appeared to be an angry reaction to the announcement, although we were unable to decipher exactly what was said due to the near-hysterical manner of her delivery, the fact that the entire statement appeared to be screeched at several decibels above the range of human hearing and because we weren’t listening anyway.