Prometheus

Spoliers here. If you can call them that. You can’t really spoil this film at all.

“Aliens” were great weren’t they?. Not only were they realised by the vision and talent of Giger and look pretty impressive as they dismembered people but their larva rapes your face off and then when the alien is born it bursts out of your chest looking like a mentally deranged dildo with sharp teeth and anger management issues.
So then, these swarming, dispassionate killing machines must have an enthralling evolutionary tale to reach the zenith of their artistic and sex aid resembling potential.

Or you’d like to think so.
But no, because aliens come from Magic Goo.
Magic Goo.
Aliens come from fucking Magic Goo.
The alien that killed John Hurt came from Magic Goo.
The dog shaped alien that killed Brian Glover (great actor, RIP.) came from Magic Goo.
The 25 foot tall queen alien? Made from Magic Goo.

For fuck’s sake.

Stacked against that, the whole convoluted and sorry story as to how Magic Goo became “Alien” is pretty fucking irrelevant, no matter how devoid of action walking around dark corridors for two hours can actually be. But let’s run over this “story”, which could only have been written by some 13 year old kid.

With learning difficulties.

So off we all go into the seemingly endless corridors of this alien place. Yeah, you’d think when you design a structure you might want to put rooms people will actually use less than five miles apart, but that’s alien architecture for you. “Hey Zarv, where’s Spotnik got to with that test tube? I only sent him next door? Aww yeah, nevermind.” But not to worry lads because the engineer has got this covered with his special sci fi mapping drones. So the jobs a carrot. Happy days.

Anyway, summat happens involving magic goo and we all have to run back to the ship before the storm hits or something. Bizarrely taking us 2 minutes to get out after taking 6 hours to get where we were, but we found a shortcut alright? So fuck off, no-one likes a smart arse.

Hang on. Headcount. Oh no, someone got lost on the way. The engineer will be laughing his tits off. You know, the bloke with all the gizmos so he can find his way around. Let’s tell him. Where is he? Well, shit the bed. What a dozy bastard eh?

Anyway, him and his mate are now really scared and decide to run away from anything and everything. Which would seem prudent. Until they find a big vault with an imposing alien monolith in it and loads of opened alien jars which immediately starts to put their minds at ease. As it would. Then they suddenly start feeling a lot more relaxed and confident. As you do. So what’s that over there?

Congratulations, you just got killed by the shittest alien in history.

So anyway, a couple of people get turned into magic goo zombies by the magic goo. One goes mental and gets killed by his mates but the other keeps schtum about being a magic goo zombie, at least until he’s had one last chance to shag his missus. Fair play to him, I’d have done the same. There’s a pointless exploding alien head then the magic goo zombie shagging bird has a magic goo baby that looks like a squid (I know, I know – but don’t blame me – this is what happens) and she runs off a bit upset and all that because she didn’t want her offspring to be a cephalopod.

Then an old geezer turns up and off they all toddle early doors to wake up MumRa. MumRa is like a fucking bear with a sore head first thing of a morning and takes exception to cunts who break into his house to wake him up and start asking him stupid fucking questions in some incomprehensible foreign language. I mean, what’s his problem? So he chucks ‘em all out and starts to fly away because it turns out half of his house is a spaceship. Charlie sends up her own spaceship after it or get’s left behind but regardless she’s feeling right smug that she’s going to make it through this pratfall lampoonery since she figures that if MumRa is flying away from her, and her smaller faster ship, also flying away from her, smacks right into it, the whole sorry shebang will logically keep freewheeling away before crashing. Unfortunately, Scotties famous words in the Star Trekkin’ song turn out to be bullshit because apparently you can change the laws of physics and the giant horseshoe completely disregards it’s momentum, reverses direction and careers groundwards straight back at her. She should still be okay though because the whole massive crash (that’s the ship, not the film) lands short. But wait, it lands ON IT’S END and starts to roll very slowly towards a by now very confused Charlie. So utterly nonplussed is she by this ludicrous turn of events and, deafened by the noise of the rolling ship and unable to hear clearly because of her helmet, she neglects to first consider the possibility and then hear my sage advice being screamed at her from my living room to ”run fucking sideways you daft bitch” and gets squashed.

The last 10 minutes are then pretty fuzzy as your brain starts trying to commit suicide for being put through this but it seems to involve squid boy being what’s termed in parental parlance to be a “fast developer” by growing about 25 feet tall in as many minutes having a contretemps with MumRa, who managed to miraculously survive the cataclysmic crash and is now positively apoplectic with rage because some bint has just wrecked his spaceship. Then “Alien” appears from Magic Goo courtesy of the above tall tale and is left with the rather unenviable task of bodily dragging the now expired MumRa, who is ten times his size, god knows how many miles through hostile alien desert into a ship comprised of endless dark bland corridors only to then have to lift the fat bastard back into his pilot seat so it all at least vaguely ties in with the original film.

Did you know that Prometheus was the mythological titan who formed mankind from clay? Prometheus stole back fire from Zeus and gave it to man. He was then punished for this by being chained to a mountain and having his liver eaten by a giant eagle for all eternity.
Ridley Scott must hate this myth, on account of the fact that he named a massive fucking abortion of a film after it.

Fuck off Prometheus. Fuck off Ridley Scott. Fuck off everyone who acted in this film. Except Charlie Theron. I’m sufficiently shallow and morally reprehensible to let her off because I still think she’s a bit of alright, even though she has got a bloke’s name.