Near death experiences

Nearly drowned in the Pacific on Maui.

Was out swimming in big surf like a load of other folk, we were staying out letting the waves lift and drop us and then going back to shore when the waves weren’t too bad. Me and the mrs got a bit close to shore and I a ten foot or so wave picked us up and deposited us on the beach (Mrs Stan being 7 stone lighter than me was taken much further in). I looked up to check she was alright even though I know you *never* turn your back on surf like that she was wrestling her bikini top back down but other than a few blushes unharmed.

So I turn back and see that the wave that picked us up was only the opening act for a f*cking monster that was blotting out the sun and breaking a couple of steps away from me. Figured that it was going to be like being hit by a speeding car so I’d try my luck at diving into it and hopefully get taken up away from the seabed. It was like running full tilt into a wall. Pile-drivered me into the seabed luckily I had my head tucked in so it was my shoulder that took the main hit (ended up bruised but no lasting damage). Now I’m underwater that’s filled with sand so I can’t see and I’ve no reference of up or down and the initial hit has taken the wind out of me. No idea how long I was under but it was long enough to stop panicking and become strangely relaxed even though I thought that it was certainly all over, then I caught a handful of seabed and figured I go for broke, dug my feet in and pushed. Broke the surface and got some air and realised that I’d been dragged back out to sea put I was behind where the waves were breaking. Started looking for Mrs Stan how was miles away having been hit by the same wave and taken further up the beach and had her knees knocked into her face and nursing a fat lip.

Got a lot of looks from the other people on the beach as I staggered out of the sea covered in sand, cuts and big sodding red patches where I’d been sand blasted. Took a couple of days to get back in the water too 🙂

P.S Glad you aren’t dead Doc.

Sheesh. After Doc and Stan’s stories I’m never going near the sea again!

My story is more in line with Messy’s:

An ex and I were coming back from watching ‘Airforce One’ (which was utter shit) at the cinema in High Wycombe in her Volkwagon Golf. It’s about 11pm and we’re on the main road heading back when I see the headlights of two cars come tearing around the corner up ahead of us. I say something like “Huh. Look at those two idiots”, when the lead car starts to swerve left and right and then veers head on into us. Julie spins the wheel and the car (Peugeot 309) hits the VW virtually nose to nose.

Loud bang. Glass everywhere. Then a deafening silence, punctuated by the GF moaning about her foot and asking if I’m alright. Bearing in mind what’s just happened I’m expecting the worst, but it turns out I’ve broken my shoulder and Julie has broken her foot. The VW’s engine was practically touching my toes and the Peugeot was like confetti all over the road. When the car hit us Julie had turned the wheel so that he hit our bonnet at a 45 degree angle, so most of the force went through the car, missing us. If she’d turned a fraction of a second sooner or later the VW’s engine would have been on our laps, or the Peugeot would have come through the driver’s door. Either way we’d either be very badly injured or dead.

Unfortunately the driver of the other car wasn’t so lucky. He died about 20 minutes after we got to hospital from massive head injuries and was only 20 at the time. Turns out he’d been racing the other car.

Mine is a little less action packed..

When i was 18 and part way thru 1st semester at uni.. I was sick one day after eating dinner.. the sick was all black (like dried blood) and totally stained the carpet. Parents took me to the emergency GP (luckily next door to the hospital). my memory of the events is a little hazy, but they decided to put me in an ambulance and take me to the hospital, literally 30seconds in a vehicle, so that i could go in as an emergency rather than a walkin patient.

So then I lay on the bed in A&E for what seemed like ages, went for an xray or some kind of scan and passed out and welll.. there was lots of unpleasentness… then went up to a ward and i guess they wanted to keep an eye on me. I think it was 11 or 12 at night by this time because the ward was all dark.

Anyway the life and death bit came when I started feeling sick and managed to projectile vomit a load of blood onto the nurse at the end of the bed. You see.. my stomach was filling with blood from a perforated duodenal ulscer.. apparently the ulscer was on a part of the duodenum where a mjor artery goes past it and when it perforated it basically made a hole from the artery to my stomach.. causing it, and my bowels, to fill with blood.

So they fixed me up with drips for blood and eventually rushed me to surgery (once theyd found a doc). I think i needed 8+ pints, which i seem to remember is all of it..

so thats my little story.. now pleeeease play 2142 with me 🙁

nothing too exciting for me..

7 years ago i had an asthma attack which nearly killed me!

I had been working long days, going home and decorating my house until late then up early for work and carried on like that for some months. The work was done and myself and Claire were chiiling out in the newly decorated house admiring the work we had put into making it look nice, i felt my chest tightening a bit and could feel myself getting a bit chesty so i asked Claire if she could go next door to my parents house and get my ventolin (asthma reliever) pump…….she left to go next door and i remained in the house sitting on the sofa but something didn’t feel right! the tightness wasn’t easing no matter how much i relaxed so i thought i’d better go next door and get the pump as i knew Claire could be there for 5 or 10 minutes chatting with my folks. I made my way out the door and stepped over the wall into my folks garden and knocked on the door………Claire answered and sure enough she was there chatting with my Dad……the last thing i recall is Claire reaching out to me to give me my ventolin and me reaching forwards to get it then nothing!!
I awoke about 20 minutes later and just like the effect you see on the TV i saw a hazy silhouette of a blonde lady dressed in green slowly come into focus and realised it was a paramedic….the first thing i said was “you’re very pretty”!! and i remember hearing Claire say “he’s alright!!”……I remember feeling very wet down my trousers and very confused, i was taken to hospital and kept in overnight and finally discharged in the morning, my face looked awful, it looked like i had measles as all these spots had come up under my skin and i recall being told that it was caused by something (possibly blood vessels) rupturing under the skin……..

I finally found out what had happened to me from Claire and my Dad (thankfully Mum was over an aunts that night)

As i walked in i went to grab the asthma pump but collapsed on the floor in the hall, Claire had tried to hold me up but couldn’t so she called my Dad…….i vaguely recall Claire calling my name but it seemed very distant, almost like an echo……Dad came over and saw me on the floor and realised that i had actually stopped breathing, he got me into the front room where there was more room and began giving me the kiss of life and beating on my chest as he couldn’t feel a heart beat, whilst Claire was on the phone to the emergency services……..as she recalls she remembers my Dad saying that he was losing me and to tell the ambulance to get a fucking move on!!! good old Dad, he’s totally mastered the art of the English language 😉

The paramedics arrived and managed to bring me around with oxygen and the wetness in my leg was where, i’m ashamed to say i’d wet myself whilst unconscious, apparently a normal thing!! 😯

All in all pretty much a non-event for me though everyone else was freaked by it for some time, its sounds crazy but it was pretty tranquil, a bit of panic initially but no pain and once out cold then i wouldn’t have known anything more about it.

😀

First off Doc, glad you got out of it you hairy haggis nosher.

A couple I could recount, but the mood would have to take me first.

Nearly got chomped by a lion and stomped by an elephant. Had 2 major car accidents (really major) and had a parachute retarded 500kg bomb hang up in the tree under which I had parked my Ratel and crew. Had a cunt called Havenga shoot my bushat off my head with a shotgun when he was “making it safe”. Couple of other army type wibbles I won’t get into here.

I was hunting lion on my buddy Rudi’s farm with Rudi and his Grandfather in South West Africa on the border with Botswana, the lions had been in amongst the cattle causing havoc, so when Rudi and I popped down on pass from the army his gran’paw asked us to give him a hand in rooting a few of them out. On one particular day we were following some lion spoor from a cow kill and were walking through thick shoulder-high grass. I heard a grunt and turned about, just in time to see this 78 year old man bring his rifle to his houlder and pop a lioness in the chops, she dropped less than 5 meters from us. If Rudi’s grandfather had not paused to rumage in his pipe and been turned towards the quarter she charged from, the lioness would have fucked us good and proper, she had looped back on her spoor and when we followed up the spoor she had been stalking us for the better part of 1 kilometer.

Yonks ago, when I was a youngster playing hide-an-seek with the gooks in a placed called Angolsh, we would not infrequently get revved by Cuban piloted Migs and Sukhois. The were crap shots and would bomb from high altitude because they were shit scared of our SAMs. They typically used to drop parachute retarded 500kg he jobs and we used to hunker down and watch them miss us by miles. However, one late afternoon this fucker callen Romano, who reckoned he was shit hot (he had his plane painted black) and always pushed home his attacks from much lower, decided to come and find us boers and give us a wakey. Anyhow, we used to monitor their frequencies and used to take cover and cammo up the vehicles when we heard them clearing for take-off at Menongue and on that day we did the same but the wank-sack must have spotted something and he unloaded a couple of his eggs right over us. The first went off with a bang that I felt more than heard, then no second bang. After they had buggered off we were dusting ourselves down when my gunner pointed up into the tree under which we had parked our Ratel. There was a great big fucking green painted cunt of a bomb stuck up there with the chute caught up in the canopy. I vomited as soon as I saw it. The fuckers are supposed to cook off just above the ground and project their nasty bits downwards, how the fuck that did not happen in this case I do not know, but believe me it was a hairy moment when we moved the Ratel out, hoping the fucker would not cook-off. That little business still wakes me up sometimes and I have to open a bottle of nerve tonic before I can get back to sleep.

On a happier note Romano saw his arse when he went back to Cuba, head got a bit to big so they trimmed it down.

8)

…was on a school trip to Warwick castle as a kid and nearly choked to death on a cola cube….funny now… not then tho!!