sickofitall

AND what about that bird out of “Game On”? She was a proper dirty blonde that one. And she had the decency to wear short skirts. I don’t think I need to argue this point any further. I think I’ve proved it. Anyway, here she is in a scene from the hit comedy to illustrate my point

I just looked at the soundtrack to this film and realised I grew up with “bad skinheads”. Oh well, you live and learn!

@TurksMeister wrote:

What do you spend your money on Mr Soia?

At the moment Turks I am mostly spending my money on:

and

The best thing about it is that I can drink 20 quids worth of that and I no longer need an ipod, on account of the fact that I become a great singer, and I no longer need a mobile phone since I can shout at people and use graphic hand signals instead of texting.

As an added bonus, I become the worlds leading expert on everything and I also become completely invulnerable to any kind of damage caused by falling, tripping or other minor mishaps.

The only minor downside is that me drinking turns my missus into a compulsive liar and she’ll make up ridiculous stories about me being unable to undress myself, pissing on windowsills, being violently sick and falling unconscious on the stairs/in the garden/on the pavement outside etc…

‘Kinnell, that just reminded me how much I want a beer. Bollocks.

ARSE.
(makes me a cuppa)
GOB (whilst drinking my cuppa).
ARSE.

I saw this advert in the pictures the other day. I thought the first film looked really pony.

The bloke that gone and done that first film didn’t think it through at all. What bloke on the planet would be daft enough to fix a machine gun to his birds leg?

Bear in mind that for 1/4 of the month your missus turns into a raving fucking looney who blames you for everything and gives you that look that she wants to stamp on your face every time you tell her to get a move on and get your tea ready. What’s even worse is that when you try and placate her by telling her that “it’s only gypsy week, you want to try to get a bloody grip luv” they just get worse!

So you see, bolting an automatic weapon to this persons leg sounds like recipe for disaster to me. You might as well try stapling tits to a shark in a used tampon wetsuit for what good it would do you.

Here’s the scenes they cut which would have made this film good.

Scene 1 – in Sparta, before the messenger arrives
Spartan citizen 1 “Hey, something’s been bothering me”
Citizen 2 “Yes, I know, them Persians. Nothing but trouble.”
Citizen 1 “No, it’s not that. It’s Leonidas. You see, you know how our warriors are born in Sparta and raised from birth to represent our warrior state. How their Spartan blood allows them to undergo terrible hardships and kill giant wolves when they’re 12 years old? Thing is, I’m not even sure that King Leonidas is from around these parts”
Citizen 2 “Nah, that can’t be right. He’s as Spartan as the rest of us.”
Citizen 1 “Yeah, fair enough. Probably just me. Talk of the devil – here he comes now. Morning Leonidas, how’s it going sire?”
Leonidas “Och aye the noo. Donald where’s yoo troosers, See you Jimmy!”

Scene 2 – Fighting the immortals
Spartan soldier “Immortal are you? Let’s see then – die, taste cold steel, have some o that. Not so tough without your mask are we?
….
….
Alright hang on a minute. Stop fighting. Everybody, stop fighting. STOP FIGHTING EVERYONE AND LISTEN. Right. Okay then. Where do we start with this? Look, I know it’s based on a comic and all but this battle did actually happen you know. Now come on, artistic license and all that. You know, the dual katanas were a bit off in truth but why the fuck are we fighting orcs all of a sudden! You lot must be in the wrong film. And what the fuck is that over there?!! Where the hell did the bloody ogre come from? Okay everyone. Now stop messing about. Let’s start again. And do it properly this time.”

Scene 3
Battle scene
Spartan soldier 1 “What manner of strange beasts are these?”
Soldier 2 “These are elephants lad”
Soldier 1 “Why do you shake your head brother?”
Soldier 2 “Alright, stop again. Come on, stop again. You, put that spear down. Now then. Elephants are not 90 feet tall, alright? What is wrong with you people? Take ‘em away and find some proper elephants.”

Scene 4 – Persian camp
Xerxes “I am most displeased, what with being a god king and all that, and those Spartans still remain undefeated. Kill this general!”
Persian general “Oh no, spare me sire. If you give me one more chance….
Err, one question.”
Xerxes “What is it?”
General “Given that your empire spans a thousand nations and your army runs into the hundreds of thousands. That you have countless cultures and people fighting under your standard, perhaps you could tell me where you think your executioner is from? I mean, what country exactly is it where people are born with swords for arms and no neck? Where is that exactly? You know, I’ve travelled a bit and I consider myself a man of the world and well I’m flummoxed.”
Xerxes “See, er, never mind that, begone general. I am generous this time and I’ll let you live. Never question me again!”
General “Yeah, I thought you’d say that.”

Scene 5 – The final battle
Xerxes “Destroy them!”
Persian soldier “No.”
Xerxes “What?!”
Soldier “See, thing is Xerxes, me and the lads have been talking see. Now, I’m as open minded as the next bloke and you know, live and let live and all that. But thing is, and there’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just come right out with it – following around a 14 foot tall drag queen is quite frankly embarrassing. Yeah, I know these Spartans aren’t perfect on that front. They wear leather shorts and look more than a bit suspect themselves and their king is about as Spartan as Jimmy Krankie but when it comes down to it the lads have sat and cogitated over this and we’ve decided to swap sides see. It wouldn’t be so bad if you just tried to look like a girl but quite honestly that Marilyn Mansun shite that comes from your tent at all hours just pisses everyone right off as well. So, if it’s all the same to you mate, we’ve decided join up with Robert the fucking Bruce here instead and kill you instead”.

Well a good tonking is likely to keep any bird happy for at least 8 hours or so. I’d say that you should probably just roll over and have a bit of a kip for an hour, since crashing the yoghurt truck is likely to make you feel a bit sleepy. Then you can get up and kill some time however you like before telling the bird to make you some tea. After that she’ll obviously be kept busy washing up and doing the ironing and all that womens stuff that goes on in the kitchen that I don’t know about so you’ll be able to do what you like again.

Then before you know it, it’s bedtime and you can shift her up* and get some sleep.

*Top tip, if it’s cold you can save money on an electric blanket by sending the bird to bed half an hour earlier and putting her on your side. Then when you retire for the night just shove her onto the cold side and your sorted. I do this all the time and it works a treat.

My mate knew this ex squaddie who used to get free taxi rides all the time. Apparently he’d get the taxi to drive to the vicinity of where he wanted to go then he’d simply throttle the driver unconscious and bugger off. I never met the bloke but fair play to him, it certainly sounds like a pretty novel way to fare dodge.